What's blocking me?

At the beginning of the year I filled in the “100 things to do this year” list in my Leonie Dawson year planner, and obviously since then I’ve been becoming more and more interested in the Laws of Attraction  and affirmations. And now a few things have started coming my way that are things I really want.

But I’ve noticed a strange thing occurring.

As soon as the cogs start turning and things start happening, I find myself feeling anxious and a little overwhelmed, I suddenly get the urge to back away and retreat back to the familiar, the safe, the tried and tested.

And no, it’s not that these things are wrong for me, or my inner wisdom telling me I’m on the wrong path, because if that were the case my inner wisdom seems to want me to live in isolation and never do anything remotely new. No, this is something else, more closely related to inner demons than inner wisdom.

For starters I wanted to attract more like-minded people into my life and a couple of people have come into my sphere and want to meet up, a few plans have been made. I should be overjoyed, but I’m quite scared; it’s new, it’s frightening and I feel like I’m not ready.

Also I wanted to learn to make soft-pots, which are lovely fabric plant pots that I caught a glimpse of when I was in York last year, I couldn’t see a way for this to happen now I’m seven months pregnant and there’s little chance of making it back to York this year. But quite by chance I found someone who makes them in Sheffield and a few emails later and she’s now coming over on my birthday to do a little “soft pots” workshop for me and a few friends. Brilliant? Yes. But my excitement quickly shifted into a nervous energy that left me feeling a little panicky

Why do I appear to be afraid of the very things I want?

I suddenly realised I have a tendency to do this all the time. For example, I think of a great idea of something I’d like to do for my birthday, but once things start happening I freak out, get overwhelmed and then find it hard to enjoy myself once I have the very thing I wanted. I’ve been prone to panic attacks for the last 20 years and sadly too much excitement can set it off as much as a fearful situation.

So I now understand it’s not just my negative thinking that has limited me up until now, it’s nerves, fear of change, panic attacks. This is what I need to tackle next.

But it’s good to recognise this, because now I know what I need to do next. And yes I do have a plan, and um yes,  it’s another book: The Highly Sensitive Person, How to Thrive and Survive by Elaine Aron. I’ve been reading The Highly Sensitive Child with regards to Taters and found much of that resonated with me, in that it made me realise I am very much the classic definition of a “Highly Sensitive Person.” I’m hoping this book may have a few suggestions of things I can try. I’m so pleased I’ve now got a Kindle (actually something else that was on my list but didn’t think I could afford), I’m loving the instant access to whatever book takes my fancy. Once I’ve finished reading The Highly Sensitive Child I’ll be hitting download on that.