The Return of the Nerves

I am actually sitting here shaking with nerves. Why? Because I have a driving lesson in half an hour. I’m trying to tell myself how ridiculous this is but my body seems determined to force the fear on me anyway, no matter what my head tells it. I can’t believe I still get this way, I’ve had over 20 lessons now and I can actually handle a car just fine – I can get up and down the gears, I don’t stall consistently at junctions anymore, I live in what has to be one of the hilliest areas of the country, so while hill starts are tricky, I’m not totally freaked out by them, I know what I’m doing on a roundabout now… so what on earth am I scared of? I think I’m panicking just out of habit. I’ve become like one of Pavlov’s dogs, only my reaction is to descend into panic the moment I hear the words, “Driving lesson!” There is no longer a justifiable reason to react that way.

I know that, I keep talking myself around. I know I can do this, I can actually drive, I’m pretty okay at it nowadays (coming on leaps and bounds, cooking on gas, I’ve heard all of these from the driving instructor). But my poor little body is still shaking away anyhow.

Come on girlie, get a grip. I have to get past this otherwise what is the point in learning to drive if I’ll then be too terrified to set foot in a car? I’ve surely, surely come too far to let that happen? I want to be able to drive too much to stop now – I want to take Taters all over the place, I want to be able to have family days out at the weekend, trips to the seaside, all these places I can’t get to by bus or train. I don’t want his world limiting to only places public transport can reach.

So what exactly am I afraid of? I’m scared I’ll get in the car and won’t remember what to do, then I’ll be all over the place, stalling, cranking gears, making a fool out of myself, being all reckless… But I’m forgetting one thing, I CAN DRIVE! I can actually drive. It might take a moment or two to come back to me after last weeks lesson, but it’s not as hard as I seem to make myself think it is. And the driving instructor will be there with his wonderful dual controls (which he has hardly ever had to use!) just in case I do something totally reckless. There is nothing really to fear but the fear itself.

Is there a way to learn to love this? Will I ever enjoy driving? I need to see it more as a challenge, recast it in a positive light rather than just simply dread it and want to run away. Every lesson is one step closer to a new kind of freedom, independence. I might actually feel like a proper grown up or something. I’m always adverse to the unknown and to not being in control, I think this is one reason the lessons hit the wrong buttons with me, I don’t know where we will be going, or what challenges he will spring on me and that always makes me nervous. I like to know what will happen next so I can have my plan ready and waiting to deal with it. I don’t like the unknown.

Time to go… eek! I CAN DO THIS!!!!