The next stage of speech therapy has begun for our little Taters and yesterday we had a home visit from a specialist speech therapist. It didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. For starters we’d had a busy weekend celebrating his birthday and the little fella was tired out. As a result he wasn’t happy about a stranger turning up in our house, let alone one who was taking a keen interest him. Plus he didn’t like being made to stay in one room while we talked – he wanted to be off. So he wasn’t interested in playing or getting to know her and the session was nicely rounded off with him having the biggest paddy I’ve seen in a long time. It was totally out of character.
So we didn’t make a good first impression at all and I’m now paranoid she went away thinking, “Hmmn, autism perhaps?”
It was a nightmare and she didn’t get to see the real
Taters at all. I wish we could have stayed with the last speech therapist, he
really liked her and she really got to know him.
Anyway she was pleased with the progress he’s made – from
nothing to 35 words in such a short space of time - but much of the session yesterday focused on
his history: “Did he have a traumatic birth,” “When did he reach his milestones”…
etc etc. Those questions don’t bother me, but there are questions that I know
are trying to gauge whether or not he’s autistic and those make me anxious. Don’t
get me wrong, I know full well she’d be negligent if she didn’t explore the
possibility, she’s absolutely right to ask. It’s just that I’m scared they’ll
say he is, because I’m scared that he actually is and I’m scared to face that
if it’s true.
I also don’t like the way they simply ask questions as if
you don’t understand what’s behind them, then make their notes, say nothing and
leave you wondering what conclusions they’re drawing. He’s my son, I want to
know what you’re thinking please.
Also I was trying to talk to her at the same time as
battling a grumpy toddler, so it wasn’t easy to get across the points I was
trying to make, sometimes I couldn’t think of examples, other times I gave bad
examples … I’m concerned I misrepresented him. The other side of the coin is
that I don’t want her thinking he’s autistic if he isn’t.
The thing is in the past some of his behaviour did worry
me, he used to be extremely clingy and hated visitors coming round and trying
to play with him, he’d just scream and cling to me. And at playgroups he wouldn’t
leave my side; while other mums sat chatting I was being led around the room by
the hand, he didn’t like me talking to anyone else. He certainly wasn’t
interested in joining in with what other kids were doing; while everyone sang
or did crafts, we’d be the only ones at the other side of the room doing
something else.
But this isn’t the case now and I’m just not sure that
came across in the confusion yesterday. She seemed very interested in how he
used to be, she seemed to really home in on things that were different about
him, and I’m worried I didn’t make it clear enough that much of that is now in
the past.
Nowadays he enjoys playgroups and joins in with the
singing or crafting, helps tidy away toys at the end of the session with the
other children, and usually spends most of the time zooming around the room on
a ride-on car with a tribe of other little boys. He warms to visitors quickly
after a bit of initial shyness and generally gets on with most people. We regularly
eat out and he’s a little angel, in fact we go all over the place with him, I don’t
worry about taking him to places at all – unless it’s a place totally geared up
to adults that I know he won’t enjoy.
Obviously like all toddlers sometimes he’ll decide he
doesn’t want to do something and can be very adamant about it, or when he’s
overtired we’re walking on eggshells trying to bypass meltdown. But he’s a
toddler after all.
Sometimes I do think he’s different to other kids, a
little bit, but what if he’s just his own person? He’s more shy than most,
sometimes if a workman comes round he’ll start to cry, other times he’ll show
off, you really can’t predict it. That doesn’t necessarily mean there’s
something wrong. Because really, if he’s autistic, then I think me and my
husband probably are a little bit too.
And while I’m on my little rant, I’m wondering if some of
his behaviour is down to me. I’m not the most confident of mothers and because
of the way he used to be I’ve been reluctant to try new things with him,
perhaps I’ve underestimated him sometimes and held him back. Perhaps I’ve been
clingy with him too, maybe a little smothering? Did he pick up on my
anxiousness in certain situations and that made him worse?
So throw in the usual “I’m such a crap mum” feelings and
I was in a bit of a state yesterday afternoon.
She did try and reassure me that we’d chalk this up to
tiredness and try again next time, so maybe she will refrain from judgement, maybe
I’m panicking unnecessarily. But my head was spinning when she left.
We don’t see her now for a few weeks so I’m trying to put
it out of my mind. I have made a few notes of things I felt I didn’t put across
well, so next time I see her hopefully I’ll be able to give her a clearer
picture. It’s not that I want to dissuade her from thinking he might be
autistic, it’s more that I want to give her an honest picture of him so she can
make the correct diagnosis. I want him to get the right kind of help.
Argh!! Basically. Argh!!
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