Remembering

I’m the only person who knows the significance of today, no one else has remembered. I guess why would they? It’s a highly personal anniversary.

You see it’s a year today that Peanut and I went our separate ways, that she left my body and was no longer a part of me. Even now as I feel this new baby wiggle inside of me, it doesn’t take away the heartache I feel for Peanut, this baby doesn’t replace her in any way whatsoever and it doesn’t make everything ok. I am over the moon to be expecting again and I already love this new baby with all my heart, but I haven’t forgotten Peanut, or stopped loving her, or missing her, I never will.

I feel weird when people ask me if this one is my second baby, I don’t say “No, it’s actually my fourth” because I don’t want the awkward situation that would arise from elaborating on that. But the little girl I carry now is my fourth child. I may have never met two of them, but they were real, they existed, albeit for a short while, and they will always be a significant part of me.

I have two little crystal angels that hang in my dining room window, when the sun hits them in the morning they fill the room with beautiful rainbow coloured lights that dance around the walls. It’s a sight I love to see and it always makes me stop for a moment and remember, before the chaos of the day swallows me up again.