It was innocent enough, a
comment from my husband’s friend as they arranged a night out: “I can’t go
crazy though, we’ve got a kids birthday party the next morning.”
Innocent enough but the kind
of thing that makes me go a little crazy.
You see his daughter is in
the same class as my son. So this birthday party has me worrying that it’s a
school one and that my son didn’t get an invite. They always seem to be going
to birthday parties, and yet the only one we’ve been invited to since starting
school was his daughters.
I just see red in these
situations and without even knowing all the facts I think the worst and start
to feel my heart breaking on my little boy’s behalf. I can’t bare the thought
of him being rejected, being ostracised, of him wondering why he doesn’t get
invited, of him feeling lonely… and oh I’m back in my own childhood and all the
things I hoped he’d never have to go through that I did, that it feels like his
autism diagnosis will make inevitable… and yes, I know, I can see it, I’m
getting carried off again by my own demons.
So here is my attempt to
reign it in and talk sense to myself. I try to push the feelings away and think
of something else but that doesn’t stop my head going off on its own in the
background and making it even worse.
So it’s time to try and turn
around and face this down.
First up. I don’t actually
know it’s a school related party. So my fears of him being left out might not
actually be true. They have more friends and family with similar aged children
than we do, so the parties could in main part be linked to that. In other words
I might actually be worrying about nothing.
It might be true though, this
isn’t about burying my head in the sand either, but even then it doesn’t necessarily
mean my kid is getting rejected in a nasty way. Let’s look at the facts. They
had a massive birthday party for their daughter and invited pretty much the
entire class, it stands to reason therefore that the invite is likely to be
reciprocated. We don’t live in a rich neighbourhood, not all families can
afford to invite the entire class, therefore they’ll invite whoever their kid
plays with plus other people they know and this includes people who’ve
previously invited their child to their own parties. That isn’t being shunned
in a nasty way at all. It’s just how things are.
I know my son is quite
withdrawn at school, but he has formed a few friendships and I’m told by no
means is he isolated and alone when he’s there. So a small set of friends isn’t
likely to result in a vast amount of birthday invites, but you know what, I’m
over the moon that he does have a couple of friends. A few decent friends is
all you need, in fact in my own experience I find it much more rewarding to
have a few deep friendships than trying to maintain masses of more shallow
ones. I’ve known people who are life and soul of the party types, but had no
one they can really trust and confide in.
Which leads me to perhaps the
most important thing at this moment in time; right now he isn’t bothered by
this, he doesn’t notice. That might not always be the case, but right now it
is. I don’t want to make him notice, I don’t want to point it out and essentially
teach him that he should feel bad about this kind of thing.
The worst thing I can do is
react badly whenever this happens because that sends out the message that he
ought to be popular, that not being popular is clearly a bad thing because it makes mummy sad. That is the perfect
way to start him on the path to self-loathing rather than the path the self-acceptance
and confidence that I aim to send him along.
If I’m ok with something then
he stands a better chance of being ok with it too. But if I have a hang up or
issue over something, he’s far more likely to develop issues over it too. I can’t
control the damage the world will do to him, which it does to all of us, but I
can do my best not to inflict damage on him myself.
If I’m ok with something,
chances are my kids will be ok with it too. But if I’m not, they’re much more
like to have a problem too.
His daddy doesn’t give a toss
what people think of him and has never been a people pleaser, when he got the
text he didn’t bat an eyelid. He has found friends among people who share his
interests and holds a fair bit of contempt for mainstream, boring, let’s say “popular”
people… Let’s hope some of that attitude will transfer to my son too. My
husband is comfortable in his own skin and always has been, in a way I never
have. Why do I assume my son will be exactly like me and suffer loneliness and
self-loathing, hopefully he’ll be more like his dad and not give a rats-arse
about fitting in in the first place!
So, when he doesn’t get an
invite, I need to first not react at all, it’s no big deal to me if it isn’t a
big deal to him. And if he ever asks why then point out the reasons above, that
people just invite who they play with or who their mummy’s and daddy’s know.
And that some children play with lots of children, and others prefer just a
few. And that either way is fine.
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