The Introverted Mummy

I've been struggling with how to write this post for a while. It's a tricky one to verbalise.

You see I’ve always known I was an introvert, but I kind of expected myself to behave differently as a mother, to force myself to behave how a mother "should" behave and just not be introverted somehow. I struggled and it had a knock on effect on my confidence.

I'm the kind of person who thrives on solitude, not all the time, but whenever I've got too much on and there's no time for myself, I start to feel slightly crazy. Before becoming a mum I spent long hours writing and in my own little worlds, I had (have) wonderful friends but I found it hard to be around other people all the time, it exhausted me and meeting new people is seriously outside of my comfort zone. Yes, classic introvert.

When motherhood came along, when I ventured there before anyone else in my tried and tested circle of friends, I was thrown into a whole new world without my usual support network. Any time to myself went out of the window and I struggled to keep my head above water much of the time. Plus I was suddenly supposed to take my son to playgroups, baby massage, all these things that were 'vital' for his development. I needed to make new mummy friends to provide him with little playmates, but lacking confidence the prospect of all these things terrified me. I made casual acquaintances but it felt like I was desperately throwing my friendship at the first person who spoke to me whether we were compatible or not, it was too stressful, I felt vulnerable, I didn't know what I was doing. I struggled to keep up the effort. 

I often berate myself for letting him down on this one and blame myself for his lack of social skills now. What kind of role model am I?

And so the feelings of inadequacy grow.

Yes it would be fair to say I lack confidence in my mothering skills. For example. when I was with Taters at a playgroup, watching these shining examples of motherhood reading and playing with their offspring, teaching them to share, explaining the importance of being gentle with other children, I felt like my mothering skills were on display, under the spotlight, and that I came out lacking. I didn’t feel like I was as good as those other mums, it wasn’t that I didn’t read to him, or that I didn’t know how to talk to him; it was just demonstrating it in public with other mothers looking on, that's what I wasn't so good at. I thought I looked like a pretty pathetic mother much of the time. It made it even harder to make friends since I already felt inferior.

I have never felt more judged as a human being than I do as a mother. When Taters was born I wanted to do everything by the book, show everyone what a good mother I could be. But everyone has an opinion, and opinions vary so widely. As a born people pleaser, this has me tearing my hair out, I couldn't please everyone, when I pleased one person someone else didn't approve. I didn't know where to turn. 

I do now. 

I’m beginning to learn the importance of trusting my own voice, that the opinion that matters the most is my own. I've a long way to go, but I'm really starting to see that now.

And that's just one way in which the tide is turning. I’ve realised I’m not alone in being an introvert and a mum, and actually the combination of the two are not incompatible. And in realising this I'm beginning to understand that I need to work with my introvert nature and not just hope it magically vanishes over night. It won't. And by burning myself out, belittling myself, not respecting myself, etc. etc. I'm not being the best mum I can possibly be.

I seem to have been coming across pieces in magazines, in books, in blogs, left right and centre, that talk about being an introvert, and actually in an accepting and positive light. A far cry from the message I've received all my life: You should be more confident, learn to speak up, don't be shy, be more outgoing, be stronger, push yourself more, change, beat this, grow... It's wrong to be an introvert, you MUST become an extrovert. Countless people have tried to take me under their wing, believing me to need their guidance, mistaking me for meak and fragile. As an introvert people are always trying to change you, believe me.

But more and more I'm hearing a different opinion and it's such a revelation. You mean it's ok not to be loud and outgoing? I don't have to be the life and soul of a party? I don't need to be good in groups? It's fine to be a gentler spirit? It's ok to accept myself for who I am and find my own way of doing things? I don't actually need to change who I fundamentally am? I'm not less, I'm just different? 

Oh my god! That's bloody brilliant!

So I hereby give myself permission to be an introvert and mother my children in a way that respects that and works with it. This is a groundbreaking concept to me. 

I will have to be more forgiving of myself - I do find certain situations hard and although I have no intention of avoiding them, I'll try to be more understanding of myself, and  not put so much pressure on myself to behave in a certain (typically extrovert) way. If I'm more comfortable getting my point across in an email  to the speech therapist than phoning her up, for example, then what's wrong with that?

And carving out some time to myself in the week is not a luxury, it is a necessity. If I don't do that I end up feeling strung out and find it hard to really be present for my little boy - which I don't think is any good for him. I need to make time to tend to my own needs and recharge. Before I think I thought this was selfish, but it really isn't. It's vital.

I don't have to do things by the book, or live up to someone else's ideal as a parent - since everyone has differing ideas of what makes a good mum, it's time I clarified what are MY values, what do I think makes a good mum, and live by my rules.  

I changed the kind of mother I wanted to be because I hit upon too much resistance, from my own body, from grandparents... I didn't do things the way I wanted to last time and as a result I felt utterly lost, disconnected from my own intuition, clueless. This time around I'm now determined to tick as many of my own boxes as possible, no one elses. I will be guided by my inner voice and what truly resonates with me, just because everyone else is louder than me doesn't mean they're right. 

My own intuition actually proves to be spot on more often than not, whereas doing what pleases other people has been my undoing on many occasions. So I might not hit all my targets but that's just fine, I will do what I can.

I feel like I've hit upon something really important here. After spending a lifetime believing self improvement meant changing, actually I now think accepting who I am in far more powerful.