Once again... Am I?

In answer to my own question, I think I am and I'm not. I don't think I would get a diagnosis, but I think I have much in common with the autistic community. In fact the more blogs I read by autistic adults the more I see my own experiences and feelings reflected back at me.

Things I thought only I felt. For example when I was at junior school I mulled over whether it was possible to just live my life out in a fantasy world because the real world, particularly real people, were just too hard. That's just for one.

Allowing myself to contemplate this made me look back over my life more honestly than I have ever done, without needing to redress events to make them more acceptable to myself. I always felt angry at myself for my shyness, my meakness. Why didnt i do this better, why didn't i do that? But what if what I did was all I could do with the cards I'd been dealt? It  really helped me understand myself. More importantly it helped me forgive myself.

As a slight aside I can see now that I was unhappy for so many years it's no wonder it can feel like my natural state sometimes. Why I'm anxious when things are good, worried that it will come crashing down, why I daren't change things when they're good because I think I'll never find happiness again. Because depression was my normal.

But when I do set out to achieve something, I get what I want. The friends, husbands, children. It is within my means to carve out the kind of life I really want and I need to really drive that message home. I just need to change my natural state to a more positive one. Because when depression feels like your natural state, you're too scared to want things because deep down you feel those things aren't for you, aren't allowed. Only happen to other people.

That's the core of my shit vortex. That's why it needs to change.

Another thing I realised: being someone who was once bullied, for a long time I hated myself for being weak, a wimp. But looking back I can see all the times I have been terrified to do something and yet I did it anyway, going to university, leaving home, trying for babies after my losses, learning to drive. Right through to giving birth without pain relief and dealing with my son's ASD diagnosis. People these days keep referring to me as strong and it didn't compute. But perhaps I need to rethink that.

I also finally gained some focus. When I saw that the girl from school had 20 years experience in mental health I thought, "what do I have 20 years experience in?" "What am I an expertin?" And I realised, two things that have always been with me, writing and my imagination, the other worlds I created inside my head to live in...

I've spent a lot of time trying to work out my purpose in life, I think that shows me the way to go.

My head, what I want out of life, it feels clearer than it has ever done. I know who I am without it being clouded by who I wish I was or who I think I should be. Which is first step to accepting who I am. And actually I think I'm pretty ok. I have a lot going for me. Being older helps because you don't have to fit in with what's "cool" anymore. 

I do feel reborn. 

So am I? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I think it's part of me, but I don't think I could be defined by it. And maybe that's the way it will be for my son. It's part of who he is, but it's not the whole picture.