Then I found that ugly little emotion called jealousy creeping in. We were similarly matched for intelligence at school, so why did I barely make it above an admin job and she's flying high?
It got me down a little. I'm not so far off 40 now and what have actually achieved with my life?
Then one particularly rough night I found myself awake at 5am, running my life story through my head and thinking of things I haven't thought about in a long time.
I remembered the happy times, I have plenty of great memories. I remembered playing in the field at the back of my house with a tribe of other kids from my street. Remembered how all that fell apart when I became a teenager, how utterly lonely I became, now watching the same kids I grew up with hanging round on the corner of the street from the darkness of my bedroom
My mum suffered with depression and anxiety and was generally unhappy. That made her cruel sometimes, it also made her a target for kids and teenagers to wind up, much to my dismay. At school I was bullied in various ways that I won't bother dredging up again.
In short I had no one. My dad backed my mum up in our fights and my brother was obsessed with his trains. I listened to rock music, drew on my arms with razor blades and lived in a fantasy world.
My ambitions weren't about careers, they were about finding people who loved me, having friends, having good times. Because for years I was absolutely miserable.
After college I fell out of society almost altogether. It's hard to find a job with all the social anxieties I now had, and crippling panic attacks had left me depleted. I barely left the house for two years between the ages of 18 and 20. I signed on for benefits for two years. I felt like an utter failure.
But I had A levels under my belt, I'd somehow managed to scrape decent grades despite not being able to revise. So I threw myself in at the deepend and went to university.
It almost killed me. I found it so hard meeting people. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. But determined not to go back (to what?) I sought help, I got CBT therapy, at uni one girl had taken me under her wing and I confided in her about the cutting. She offered me a room in her shared house (I lived at home for the first year) and although it scared me senseless I accepted.
And that's when things changed. I was 21. There are all sorts of people at university, and with alcohol lessening my shyness, I made close bonds with a few. I found everything I ever wanted. Friends. Love. Good times. I was soooo happy for the first time in a very long time.
I kept on living like a student even after university finished. I didn't want things to change or the era to end. My social life was what I lived for, friends, rock clubs, gigs, pubs, weekends away with friends or my boyfriend. That's what made me happy, I always felt like I was trying to make up for lost time.
For work I tended to find a job I felt reasonably comfortable in and stay there. I wasn't good on self promotion or blowing my own trumpet, I'm still not good at meeting new people, so I just kept my head down and got on with things, as a result I've never climbed high up any career ladders. I watched people higher up, stressed, single, lonely... Yes lonely, and decided I didn't want it. Plus I think shy, retiring types just don't get the recognition we deserve. It's hard to get on in this world without confidence.
Finally, early 30s, I was married and I thought I'd better get a move on with having a family if I ever wanted to be a mother. And thus began the next big chapter of my life.
At the end of my 30s here I am with two children. And though it is hard work, hand on heart I've never been happier, I actually feel reborn and like my life is only just beginning.
So no I haven't set the world on fire with my career, but I never tried to so of course not. I have actually achieved everything I set out to achieve, which makes me wonder what I should set my sights on next. Maybe I ought to dream bigger?
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