Getting it all out

I need to have a little moan. There's so much going round in my head since this diagnosis I'm finding it hard to see clearly.

I know eventually I'll be ok, it's just that life has been thrown off course in a different direction than I expected and I need to adjust. I barely know anything about this new place we're in so it's really unsettling. 

I'm trying to learn all I can, but there's a mountain of information out there to get through and I don't know what I make of it all yet. 

Some of it is so hopeless sounding it makes me want to curl up and cease to exist, other things give me hope for a better outcome, but not without a fight. 

That's when I worry I'm not strong enough. When I bash my head against my own limitations. I'm an introvert, I lack social skills. Am I strong enough to take on the world on his behalf? 

 I was really badly bullied at school, I've always been almost phobic of him going through the same and everything I read tells me that's almost inevitable. My heart keeps breaking again and again. 

I wish I could put aside my own issues and hang ups so I could... What? I'm not sure. So it would hurt less, so I could be more objective about things, think more clearly. I don't know.

Right now it's frightening, daunting, I don't fully know what I'm dealing with, I don't understand it. I'm really scared. They wouldn't tell me where on the spectrum they thought he was, mild? Moderate? Only that he wasn't core, so does that mean aspergers? What? I feel like I don't really know what I'm dealing with here.

I'm reading and reading and reading and I'm far from without hope. I'm just overwhelmed by it all. 

My life feels too chaotic. I keep needing to remind myself though that much of that is because we have a baby - a baby who doesn't sleep, who doesn't like putting down, who screams when I leave the room. It's because I'm still adjusting to having two children, I feel a bit pathetic that six months in that's still the case, but it's true. 

It has very little to do with autism. 

It's not that so called normal four year old boys are a walk in the park. We once went to a play centre with my sons older male cousin. When Taters wet himself I didn't have any spare trousers because it was a rare occurrence. The other boy's mum did and leant us them. The other little boy was so jealous he decided to shit his own pants. I kid you not. 

This is why I feel so confused!

What's his autism and what isn't?