It’s really hard to describe Martha without
referring to how different she is to Sam, which I’m quite uncomfortable with
because I don’t want to sound like I’m favouring one over the other. I don’t.
But she is
very different to her brother and I don’t know whether those differences are
autism and neurotypical based, or boy and girl differences. I don’t even know
if she will prove to be neurotypical when her personality unfolds further. I’m
not. Daddy isn’t. She does seem happier in her own skin and more sociable than
Sam was at the same age. She plays very differently – as in she already has
imaginative play, and she copies things she sees all the time which Sam never
did. She has a few words now; “fish” or “ish” as it comes out. I’m also pretty
sure she says “there,” “more” “mama,” “dada” “grandma” “granddad” She’s even
learned a few signs and is always signing for “more”. If you ask her a question
she nods emphatically or shakes her head frowning, she understands what you’re
saying and communicates her own wishes really, really well. All these things
have developed along more neuro-typical time lines.
But that’s not to say she’s smarter than Sam is,
they just seem to have different styles. Martha practices and tries things long
before she can really do them, with Sam there would seem to be nothing evolving
for a long time (but it was all going in), then suddenly he’d do something and
master it overnight.
Martha currently isn’t displaying any signs of ASD
but that doesn’t mean she’s a walk in the park either; she’s never slept
through the night once (Sam had done numerous times at this point), she can
throw monumental tantrums when you take something from her that she shouldn’t
be playing with, she’s nearly always attempting to injure herself climbing or
throwing herself off things, she’s always running off (Sam never did). She’s
earned the nickname “Trash it Moo” for the sheer speed she can break or wreck
something. Sam took to eating so easily and would try anything, Martha some
days barely seems to eat anything. It most certainly isn’t a case of “Sam=bad
baby, Martha=good baby”
Both Sam and Martha have been very much “only mummy
will do!” velcro children. On that score they are very much alike and at this
rate I might get to resume my social life by the time I’m in my 50s! I may still
have a marriage by then too if I’m lucky.
But back to little miss Moo, she mimics all the time
and it is so fascinating seeing your behaviour reflected back at you, yes it
certainly makes you question the way you do things. I never felt like a role
model before and for the first time in my life I need to think carefully about
the example I’m setting and whether it’s the one I want to set. Do my actions align
with my ideology?
She loves exploring the world and it’s been great
showing her new places, introducing her to new things. She delights in things
in a way that is just magical to share. Just recently she’s started dancing and
loves music putting on the radio, she practically dived out of my arms to hit
the dance floor when we put on a CD last week (and narrowly escaped hitting the
dance floor head first in the process).
She’s surprisingly girly; she’s obsessed with shoes
and always proffering her dainty little feet out to try them on, pretends to
put make up on, loves putting handbags over her shoulder and parading around
with them. Where does that come from? It’s so comical!
She’s also my little helper. If Sam needs the toilet
she’ll automatically grab the toilet roll and try to wipe his bum, or grab a
beaker and hold it in front of his winkie (he doesn’t sit on the toilet so you
have to do this if he needs a wee and poo at the same time). She often empties
out her washing basket and throws the clothes down the stairs (which is what we
do when we’re sorting out a load of washing), if I’m dusting or wiping
something up she’ll get a duster or wipe and do the same, she tries to help me
bath Sam and feed the cats. She’s so funny.
And she adores her big brother, there is no doubt
about that. We went to pick Sam up from school together last week and as soon
as she saw him she squealed in delight, in fact they both did. They walked out
of the school yard holding hands and my heart melted. It’s perhaps the most
wonderful thing of all seeing them together, seeing their own relationship
unfold and blossom. The next generation.
A few weeks ago I went to visit my grandparent’s
grave. I haven’t been in ages, certainly not since Martha was born and I wanted
to introduce her. I told Sam it was a park and as he played with Martha
thankfully he didn’t quiz me. But as we left I glanced back at my Nannan and Granddad’s
grave, imagining my Nannan standing there waving her hankie at us the way she
used to from her door every Saturday when we visited. Then I looked across at
my two children walking hand in hand giggling to each other, and in my head I appealed
to heaven for them to look down now, look at these little people they never got
to meet. My Granddad, a man of extremely
few words, who spent hours and hours listening to the radio waiting for them to
play “Hey Little Hen” so he could record it, it was their song, a man who
worried about who would look after my mum when he was gone, who never learned
to read or write because of some mysterious illness as a child that meant he
missed a lot of school and that led the family to move out of the busy town
centre and into quieter suburbs… I’m sure he’d understand now more than anyone
how I feel about Sam.
But look how the family has changed, it’s all about
these two now. It’s not me and John running around together, the centre of
attention, it’s Sam and Martha, and Katie and Chloe. It’s a different world
now. Their world. And that makes me both sad and happy at the same time.
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