A very sad day

It may be too soon to be writing this, but I need to get it out.

Monday I started spotting, that dreaded tiny bit of old brown blood that strikes terror into your heart. By Monday afternoon it had stopped, so while apprehensive I was hopeful it was something and nothing.



Tuesday I went back to work, with my 12 week scan waiting for me at the end of the week I just wanted the next three days to go quickly. At lunch time I made a quick trip to the toilet on my way out of the office, I was actually sitting there planning how I was going to break the news to my boss, but then when I wiped I saw a big red blood clot.  

At first it didn't compute, 'Oh, I've come on?' Then the horror sank in and I started shaking. I couldn't think straight, didn't know what to do. I phoned my husband and he looked up the midwife's number for me. Then I went to the office and found an empty meeting room to make the call. She phoned up the early pregnancy unit at the hospital and booked me in for a scan at 10am the next day (today).

It wasn't how I planned for my boss to find out.

That afternoon the red turned to brown and lessened. But I'd already started grieving, I knew it was over. Ok I know of a few women who've bled in pregnancy, sometimes large amounts, and everything had been fine.  And I still had my sickness and crazy pregnancy aversions, and they say symptoms are a really good sign... But no, I knew this wasn't going to have a happy outcome.

My brain still tormented me with false hope though, why does it do that? Mostly though I felt strangely calm and accepting. 

By evening the blood turned red again. Not masses but obviously this wasn't old blood being shed, I was bleeding.

I went to bed, snuggled up to my two year old as usual, scared things would really kick off in the night. I didn't want to pass this baby alone on the bathroom floor, and I didn't want my two year old traumatised either. I actually said my goodbyes, somehow I managed to plan the texts I would send around to inform people. I cried loads too.

But somehow I managed to sleep. I woke up really scared. I knew I was going to hear those words again, "I'm sorry but there's no heartbeat" and I didn't know if I had the strength to hear that twice in one life time. Weirdly, when I did hear those words though, I started looking out for everyone else. I squeezed my husbands hand and tried to comfort him, I even tried to make it easier on the woman doing the scan, "Don't worry, I knew..." I was so calm, asking questions, 'when did it happen?'  - for at least 10 minutes anyway then I lost it.

They were lovely at the hospital, they let me see my little Peanut, they even gave me a scan photo which I can't bring myself to look at - not yet, but I'm glad I have it, I'm glad I have evidence this tiny little baby was real and not something I made up.

She (I don't know why, I just think it would have been a she), but she stopped developing at 8 weeks. Like my first miscarriage my body didn't let go, tried really hard to make this viable - I didn't lose any of my symptoms, I even somehow got a bump - which most likely had more to do with the fact I couldn't stop eating.

So by my reckoning little Peanut left this world around the 17th February. And I was totally oblivious.

Yep, I'm heartbroken. I'll be fine in time of course I will but for now I'm going to ball my eyes out. And of course Peanut is still inside me, although I can feel she's gone. I go back to the hospital tomorrow to be prepped for the operation. I've opted to go down that route again, I don't want to go through this at home, it wouldn't be fair on Taters. So it could be Friday or even Saturday when we say goodbye for good. The bleeding has stepped up now though and I'm starting to get some pain, so maybe it will happen at home after all, the thought frightens me but what can I do? What will be will be, I'm resigned to that now. We never know what life has in store for us next.

I just can't believe this is happening again. And so close to 12 weeks, that's just mean life, that's just mean. Life isn't fair though is it? That's not how it works.

I'm sorry Peanut, I would have loved to have met you xxxxx