My head is a very busy place at the moment, it’s mostly
running around in circles and getting tied in knots but I’m working through it
all that’s the best I can say. Yesterday I just felt miserable. But rather than
trying to force myself to cheer up I just went with it, let myself feel whatever
I felt. I took any irrational thoughts I had with a pinch of salt, went easy on
myself and just let myself be. There were times I could barely speak and other
times I wanted to talk and cry, so I just rolled with it. I guess this is to be
expected, good days and bad days, isn’t that how it goes? It’s helping to just
get everything out writing here, so here we go again…
Right now I just want to be pregnant again, well I want to
still be pregnant with the same baby, but let’s not go down that path, it doesn’t
do any good to allow that thought to take hold in my head… Obviously I’m also terrified
of going through all this over again, so I’ve been reading all kinds of
stats to try and work out what my chances are. From what I can gather my odds
are worse because I’m over 35, but slightly improved by the fact my husband is
under 35, improved again by the fact I’ve already got a child, but then worsened
by the fact I’ve had a previous miscarriage, then improved again by the fact I
don’t smoke or take drugs, I’m not obese and I hardly drink, etc. etc. In other
words, your guess is as good as mine.
“What will be will be”
I am being driven slightly mad by
the lack on control I seem to have over my life. That is one feeling that keeps
raising its head over and over throughout this. I feel like too often I’m a
victim of circumstance and I’m left wondering why things never seem to work out
the way I want them to. Is it that way for everyone and should I just learn to
be happy with whatever direction life sweeps me off in? Or should I strive to
take more control over my life, to make more decisions and make them happen. I
know some things are obviously out of my control, but not everything. But
sometimes I feel like I have no say in my life and I just drift along, ending
up wherever life washes me up rather than where I plan to be. I want more
control, that’s what all of that amounts to.
Well, that’s just one of many issues I’m questioning. You
get the picture, my head is a busy place. Perhaps that's why I’m getting constant
migraines at the moment. If I had money I would hire a therapist. I feel under
pressure to get right because I don’t want to drive friends and family mad, and
despite work being lovely that won’t continue if I don’t start turning out
decent work again sometime soon… sometimes I just feel like screaming. And I
want a baby as soon as possible, now there won’t be one this year let alone in
six months time, I don’t want to wait that long, will I end up being 38 before
I become a mother again? Why do things have to take so long? Shit I really am
an older mother aren’t I? How and when did that happen? Does that make all this
my own fault? Yesterday miserable, today desperate… It’s all going on here!
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