To bring us up to date...
Work
On top of that I know in my heart this isn’t the right job for me; I
mean politics? Me? Business? At 17 I listened to the Levellers and wanted to
become a new age traveller, and I haven’t actually changed all that much. I know I’m going against
the grain of what I should be doing. Sooner or later I’m going to need to
address that. I mean I was hoping to start a new life following the arrival of Peanut,
that was the plan…
Driving
Driving lessons are back on and are going okay, I still get nervous but according to the instructor I’m on the final stretch now. Which is good because my money is running out and come on, I've been learning for over a year now! I just want to get this stage over and done and get out on the road. I want the freedom that being able to drive is supposed to give me. But it bothers me that I still don’t actually like driving or feel comfortable doing it, that could seriously impinge on my new found sense of freedom. But I’ll get over that right? I have to, my ambition is to get a camper van and spend weekends dragging my family around the
Fertility Diet
I’m now officially on a “fertility diet” – I was reading about it online yesterday, (http://natural-fertility-info.com/fertility-diet) Basically it’s meant to strengthen your eggs, improve your fertility and lessen the chance of miscarriage. It’s mostly common sense stuff and a lot of it are things I was aiming towards anyway – like cutting out sugar, returning to full fat products, butter instead of margarine, avoiding processed foods, lots of fruit and veg etc. I’ve got nothing to lose by trying it and it just feels good to be doing something. I’m also exercising more since I put on a few pounds recently (cheers for that body, all that day-long morning sickness and constant hunger, and all I have to show for it is a wobbly belly and a fat arse!) I’m also trying to take measures to reduce the stress in my life – I just don’t know how yet. I need to give that more thought. Obviously getting wound up over the antics of what was it I called her on here, Emma? Well, obviously that's not going to help. I have sort of lightened up on her a little, after all, how lonely and in need of attention must someone be to behave that way? That said, I still have tourettes-like outbursts at the mention of her name so I will be doing my best to keep her at arms length.
"The Flow"
There’s a lot going on in my head at the moment around tuning back into my inner voice, because I think that’s why things don’t seem to work out for me the way I want them to (miscarriage aside, that was never going to work out sadly). I ignore my intuition, I don’t listen to what my body or my inner voice is trying to tell me, and when I hear it I often chicken out of acting on it. As a result I feel like I’ve lost touch with the proper flow of my life (the flow is something I’ve believed in for a long time, when you tap into it and surrender yourself to it, you go where you’re supposed to go, fulfil your potential). Since the miscarriage I’ve felt completely lost and out of touch with the flow. Finding it again, by tuning into my inner voice – that feels like something I need to do right now. Because you know, I think I knew this pregnancy wasn’t right, I felt pregnant but for weeks I hadn’t felt like there was a baby. I hoped I was just being paranoid but it felt like I was playing at being pregnant when I wasn’t. And the night before the scan in the early hours, I asked Peanut if she was still in there and a silence, a stillness came back at me. I knew she'd already gone. The next morning as we got ready to leave I told my husband to prepare for the worst. When I tune in to myself, I find the answer are all there within me. I had a smaller bleed with Taters, one much like the miscarriage I’d had prior to him, but when I tuned in and asked if he was okay, I just knew he was and everything would be fine. I rarely listen to my inner voice, I don’t trust it enough, I let fear and other people’s voices over ride it and that is going to stop.
Sleep Training
Taters’ sleep training is currently on hold. I’ve finished
reading the “No-Cry Sleep Solution” and I now need to sit down, make a few
notes and come up with a plan of action. We’re about to move him up to a
“big-boy bed” and make a big fuss of that, and I’m going to get a white noise
machine – because he tends to wake up whenever we’re going to bed and my theory
is that it’s the stillness of the house that suddenly makes him miss us…
Anyway, I have a few things to try but all in good time. Last night he stayed
in his own bed until 3am so perhaps he’s getting wind of the changes afoot!
Speech Therapy
We’ve also got an appointment with the speech therapist in
two weeks which I’m really eager for. I’m encouraged though by the number of
people I’ve spoken to who have also had children who didn’t utter a word at 2
and a half, and everything turned out fine. I’m mega protective and paranoid
over Taters at the moment so I am feeling pretty nervous over this. But I’m
longing for him to speak now, I absolutely can’t wait for it! It makes him seem
so much younger than other toddlers because he can’t talk. Although he has now taken
to gleefully saying “hooray!” then clapping when something excites him. I love
that!
Well, I think that just about brings us up to date. It’s
still good days and bad days, but I think on the whole I’m getting through
this.
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