Blah Blah Blah

I don't know where to start so I'll just dive in anywhere. I've had one of those day where I dissolve into tears at the drop of a hat, one minute I'm laughing at my little boy and the next minute my chin is quivering and tears are spilling from my eyes. I didn't expect things to still be so raw, but actually it's more raw now than it ever was. Where did my strength go? 



Yesterday I went to the hairdressers and as soon as she started asking questions I realised I really couldn't talk about it. I couldn't bare to even think about it. I'd booked the appointment as part of my "getting back in control" mission, I thought it would give me a boost and show the world I would not be kept down for long. But I realised I wasn't quite as 'right' as I wanted to be when I really didn't care what she did to my hair, I was really blasé about how short she cut it when usually I'm obsessed with keeping it long. None of that mattered. Although I was quite shocked at how tired and bloody awful I looked in the mirror.

There have been a few incidences like that, things that have made me realise that although I might be soldiering on and doing my best to just get on with things and not mither, that actually I'm not okay inside. The fact that when the lights go out at the end of the day and there's nothing to do but go to bed, that I then get panicky, that a completely different kind of darkness looms over me. I had a drink the other night thinking it might be nice having not drank in months. It was a mistake. I found myself freaking out that I could hardly remember the last few days, but last week felt like it only happened a day or two ago. My perception of time and events was all over the place.

There have been a few moments where I feel like I'm coming unstuck and it's frightening. As far as I'm concerned I'm dealing with this in the best way I can, I've cried and let it out, but I've also done my best not to wallow. So why does it appear that depression is creeping in from behind?

Not that I'm going to lay down and take it mind you,  I've been offered a counselling session at the hospital which I didn't think I'd need, but perhaps I do... I go back to work next week and although they've been really sympathetic, I know that sympathy isn't limitless so I have to get my act together for that...

I'll shut up now, I'm sick of hearing myself whinge!