Mood swings and roundabouts

Was it the stress I endured in pregnancy?

Or the lucosade sport the doctor told me to drink to stop me fainting?

Was it the fact the umbilical cord was knotted and you were in distress? Starved of oxygen...

Was it the c-section? The fact I was the last to hold you?

Was it the trauma of always being hungry when I couldn't produce enough milk?

Or the formula I resorted to?

Is it because for a while there I went a bit crazy? 

Did I not pay you enough attention?

Or was I in your face too much?

Did I read you the wrong books?

Or not read to you enough?

Or maybe I had the television on in the background too often?

Was I too soft and let you have your own way too much? Should I have made you do the things you were afraid of? My dad thinks so.

Or am I too strict? Because I try not to let you eat biscuits and chocolate and crisps? Because i try and make you tidy things away and stand my ground with you when I've said no and you want your own way? My mother in law thinks so.

Did you have too many toys? So many it confused you? Gave you too short an attention span?

Or was it the wrong kind of toys? Not educational enough perhaps? Too many stupid plastic things that played godawful tunes at you over and over...

Did I control your play too much and not let you explore things for yourself? Did I make you too dependent and incapable of thinking for yourself?

Or did I not show you enough toys and teach you how to use them properly. Was I negligent? 

Did I not talk to you enough? I know I'm an introvert.

Or not talk the right way to you? Did I talk in long sentences you couldn't grasp?

Why do I seem to be getting it so wrong?

Or is someone else to blame? Does grandma spoil you too much, let you have everything your own way, ignore my wishes and give you chocolate and biscuits and cakes? Is it too much sugar?

Or does she have it right and I have it wrong?

Is it that we're not on the same page, and your dad is on yet another page entirely! That the way I wish to raise you gets largely ignored by everyone else?

I'm supposed to be intelligent? How can I be so crap at this?

Is there actually something wrong that needs help? Or are you just unique, an individual whose right to do things his own way needs defending?

I wish I knew.