It’s not the first time I’ve
been in this situation, but it’s bothering me more this time. I think largely
because both times in the past I’ve been pregnant and although I felt certain
each time my job would go, my life was in the process of change and I
couldn’t imagine life beyond maternity leave anyway, i had other things to
preoccupy myself with and it didn’t feel like a huge deal.
This time it does. This time
I’m craving stability. This time I’m really scared.
Scared of having to find
another job, scared of putting myself out there in the job market, scared of
starting again, scared of finding a job and not being as happy as I actually am
here, scared of not finding a job and falling off the face of the planet…You
get this picture, this is scary people!
When I left school I was unemployed for two years, directly as a result of what I now know is my own autism. I found job hunting excrutiating, putting myself out there, meeting new people, selling myself. I truly suck at these things. Not only did I not work for those two years, I barely left the house either and I’m terrified of falling back into that black hole again.
I’d like to be able to tell
myself that I’d never let that happen again, but I just don’t know that I can.
I want this to be one of
those moments in life that when I look back on it, I can say it was actually
the best thing that ever happened to me, that it spurred me on to pursue my
life’s passion, or find a job so amazing my only regret was not leaving sooner.
But I’m scared I don’t have what it takes to achieve that. I’ve been in the
same job for ten years, I found myself a little corner of the world where I was
comfortable and doing ok, and I dug in my heels and refused to leave. It doesn’t
always make my heart sing, I’ve wanted to leave more times than I can remember,
sure. But it took me a long time and a lot of sheer coincidence and luck to
find this place. So what if I can’t find myself another? What will happen to me
then?
I’m not the kind of person
who can easily make things happen. It takes people skills to make things
happen, connecting with the right people, making an impression on the right
people, getting out there and networking, selling yourself. Being a broader
autism phenotype I can’t do this kind of thing. I have the
brains, I have the ability. But success in this life is all about confidence.
It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. It’s all about PEOPLE.
I’m worried, probably even
more than not finding a job, that I’ll just end up in another office job, but
unhappy. I find forging new relationships difficult and around new people, I
have this inability to speak up and express myself, it’s overwhelming,
exhausting being “on” all the time. I feel like I lose myself. I’ve been here
so long I’m as comfortable as I’ll ever be. I can be myself. I dare to speak.
Somewhere new I’m scared that “me” will be washed away among other people.
It’s another black hole to fall into.
There’s just black holes
everywhere around me right now.
But let’s look at this
honestly. I have a better understanding of myself now than ever before – so armed
with that knowledge I’m probably better placed to find ways to work around my
obstacles and conquer them.
Things were massively
different last time. You see I’d always lived in a fantasy world, but with my
day structured around compulsory education the real world always balanced
things out. When I left college that changed, what I did with my time was now
down to me and I just didn’t know how to exist in the real world. So for two
years I pretty much lived in a fantasy world, barely leaving the house in the
process.
It almost suffocated me. I
was in a black hole. But one of the reasons I lived in a fantasy world was
because I was in denial of who I really was, I could pretend to be someone else
there, I didn’t have to face any of my issues, I buried them. I’m not in denial
now. I am facing and I am dealing.
And this time I have anchors
in the real world this time that I didn’t have before. My children, the
greatest reason to stay here. So that black hole from my late teens won’t have
the same pull it had as before. I have a burning desire to be a strong role
model to them, I want to create a wonderful life for them. My feet are firmly
in the real world this time around.
I just have to find ways to
avoid the other black hole now. The meaningless job. This is where I need to
really think about my options, I need to consider where I want to go and find a
way to get there. I will, I will, I will…
I will won’t I?
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