I'm Not Counting!

I suppose it’s fair to say we’re now trying for another baby again, although we’re really not making any kind of big deal about it. There’s no counting days to work out when the ‘fertile window’ might be – I’m not even sure when I’m due on anyway since I don’t know what the miscarriage has done to my cycles, and it's better that way, I hate it that whole thing of waiting to find out if this month you were successful. I like being ignorant about it, it takes off the pressure. I’m just closely listening to my body to work out when it’s that fertile time of the month and we'll go with that. But even then there’ll be no heroic efforts to get pregnant during that time. Well, perhaps not for the first few months.

I know I can’t really forget about it, but I almost want to. I want to concentrate on other things as much as I can.

In the background I’m doing everything I can to facilitate things happening, maybe that feeling of control is only an illusion, but it helps me feel less afraid of trying again so that's fine. But anything that is in my control, anything I can do, I am doing. The fertility diet has been going well, I probably haven’t totally eliminated sugar from my diet but I have cut it down enormously, and wherever there is a choice I’ve taken the healthier option – organic over non-organic, full fat over low fat, butter over margarine, salmon over tuna. I’ve hardly touched a drop of alcohol, I'm checking labels for soya, I’ve been taking pre-natal vitamins and Royal Jelly supplements. I’ve started swimming every week, doing some yoga and even a little meditation. I wish I could say I’ve eliminated stress but that’s hard when your toddler is torturing you by keeping you awake at night for hours on end. And it is a form of torture. I’m hopeful thing are improving on that front though, I mean he’s even slept through a few nights recently, in his own cot and everything!

So I’ve taken care of everything I can take care of, all I can do now is see what happens. I have such mixed feelings as you can imagine, but that makes me a little sad, I would love for this to be an exciting time rather than the fearful time it actually is. I guess I’m never going to experience a happy pregnancy, it will always be a time of anxiety for me. But you know what, that’s fine, so long as I do get to experience another pregnancy, one where there’s a healthy baby at the end of it. I don’t care about achieving the perfect dream anymore, the only important thing is the outcome. Breast or bottle, c-section or natural, what does it really matter? A happy, healthy baby is what matters.

So yes, I’ve done all I can do, now it’s time to sort of forget about it. I’m planning on throwing myself heart and soul into family tree research – I want to keep my brain as occupied as possible. No counting days, no counting weeks. I don’t want to know. I’ve just been handed two boxes full of old family photos dating back to 1911, so I have plenty to get my teeth into.