Another Goodbye

Reunited

Last week was my Aunty’s funeral. It was a bittersweet death, and not at all unexpected, she’d suffered from Alzheimer’s since she had a stroke in 2010 and had been in decline ever since. She also lost her husband unexpectedly last October and I don't think she wanted to live anymore, not like that anyway. It was hard to see someone I greatly admired reduced from the strong, independent woman I knew, to a silent and frail, disheveled old lady. Alzheimer's is a cold, harsh illness.


Before she got ill she'd been a sharply intelligent woman and even though she was in her 80s, I never thought of her as elderly,  she was too vibrant and opinionated to fit that stereotype. 

I always enjoyed visiting their house; there were always people visiting, drinking wine and passionately debating the latest news. She was elegant and sophisticated, passionate about books and history, art and conversation. That house was always full of life and people.

I think a lot of my ideas about who I want to be and how I want to live are inspired by my Aunty and it's made me think a lot about whether or not I am the person I want to be, ought to be. I think listening to eulogies does that doesn't it? What do you hope will be said of you when your time comes? If I died now would I be happy with what they'd say about me? You know I don't think I would be, because I don't think I've shown the world who I really am yet, or what I'm capable of. 

My Aunty was also the only other family member I know of to suffer a miscarriage, and Peanut was very much at the forefront of my mind during her funeral. I've been thinking for a while that I need to do something for Peanut, to mark her passing and this morning I found out there will be a service at York Minster for people who have lost babies either during pregnancy or shortly after. It's held the day before Peanut's due date which couldn't be more timely. 

I hope my Aunty finally got to meet the little one she lost and that they're now making up for lost time.  Maybe she'll look in on my two little ones also. I don't know what I really believe when it comes to that, but that is a nice thought.