This week's wins

I need to pick myself up, I've just been reading a news article about an autistic boy who planned a birthday party but no one turned up, it had a happy ending as half the town turned out to make his day special in the end, but the comments below from parents with autistic children left me seriously depressed (never getting invited, no one showing up for parties) I just feel terrified and heartbroken now. I couldn't sleep last night either because of a stupid Daily Mail article essentially wanting to eradicate autistics... Unbelievable!

I need a shot of positivity, I need to go to sleep tonight in a better state of mind, therefore...

This weeks wins:

- we finally got through to my son's speech therapist who told us she had assessed him in three areas, this is bad as it's my husband who spoke to her and not me so I'm not sure what the three areas were, but something like understanding sentences, context and... Argh I don't know! But the positive is that he scored within the normal range for one area, and only one point below for the other two so he really isn't far behind his peers in these areas. She also felt he could probably do better and that the main issues were his attention span and anxiety that we're holding him back rather than lack of understanding. 

- his imagination is really taking off suddenly, we've been playing shops, he's pretending all kinds of things with his teddy bear; that his bear is trying his food, that his bear is sad and needs a cuddle, he's been putting his bear down for naps... He's always got a little game going on, he'll sit in a box and say it's a boat on the water, he'll drive around on his car and say he's taking it to the garage to be mended. Proper imaginative play!

- I learned at parents evening that his pushing other kids isn't in the slightest bit aggressive, it's just him trying to interact. So my worries about him becoming violent are thankfully unfounded, we just have to help him learn better ways of making friends 

- he can almost write his name now. 

- he's getting a sense of humour. He deliberately does things to make you laugh. When his cousins were over the other day he was telling me what he was going to do to make them laugh, and he just loves making people laugh now. This is new.

- he's more aware of other peoples feelings. When he's pushed me too far and I give him this look of exasperation and annoyance, he stops and says "mummy don't be fed up" or if I'm sad he'll say he wants to make me happy again. He comments on emotions on television too, "those babies are happy", "that mister is angry" etc

- he's understanding more. He tells me things I didn't think he knew, he surprises me with this all the time, obviously far more is going in and being understood than I realise

All in all he's coming along just great. We've had some bumps, they changed the type of bus on our route and all hell broke loose, we had some horrendous tantrums when his cousins wanted to play with his toys and he's suddenly terrified of telephones... But he is doing great, we're going to be fine, this little family of mine, I know it.

Once again... Am I?

In answer to my own question, I think I am and I'm not. I don't think I would get a diagnosis, but I think I have much in common with the autistic community. In fact the more blogs I read by autistic adults the more I see my own experiences and feelings reflected back at me.

Things I thought only I felt. For example when I was at junior school I mulled over whether it was possible to just live my life out in a fantasy world because the real world, particularly real people, were just too hard. That's just for one.

Allowing myself to contemplate this made me look back over my life more honestly than I have ever done, without needing to redress events to make them more acceptable to myself. I always felt angry at myself for my shyness, my meakness. Why didnt i do this better, why didn't i do that? But what if what I did was all I could do with the cards I'd been dealt? It  really helped me understand myself. More importantly it helped me forgive myself.

As a slight aside I can see now that I was unhappy for so many years it's no wonder it can feel like my natural state sometimes. Why I'm anxious when things are good, worried that it will come crashing down, why I daren't change things when they're good because I think I'll never find happiness again. Because depression was my normal.

But when I do set out to achieve something, I get what I want. The friends, husbands, children. It is within my means to carve out the kind of life I really want and I need to really drive that message home. I just need to change my natural state to a more positive one. Because when depression feels like your natural state, you're too scared to want things because deep down you feel those things aren't for you, aren't allowed. Only happen to other people.

That's the core of my shit vortex. That's why it needs to change.

Another thing I realised: being someone who was once bullied, for a long time I hated myself for being weak, a wimp. But looking back I can see all the times I have been terrified to do something and yet I did it anyway, going to university, leaving home, trying for babies after my losses, learning to drive. Right through to giving birth without pain relief and dealing with my son's ASD diagnosis. People these days keep referring to me as strong and it didn't compute. But perhaps I need to rethink that.

I also finally gained some focus. When I saw that the girl from school had 20 years experience in mental health I thought, "what do I have 20 years experience in?" "What am I an expertin?" And I realised, two things that have always been with me, writing and my imagination, the other worlds I created inside my head to live in...

I've spent a lot of time trying to work out my purpose in life, I think that shows me the way to go.

My head, what I want out of life, it feels clearer than it has ever done. I know who I am without it being clouded by who I wish I was or who I think I should be. Which is first step to accepting who I am. And actually I think I'm pretty ok. I have a lot going for me. Being older helps because you don't have to fit in with what's "cool" anymore. 

I do feel reborn. 

So am I? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I think it's part of me, but I don't think I could be defined by it. And maybe that's the way it will be for my son. It's part of who he is, but it's not the whole picture.