Chaos!

My head is a very busy place at the moment, it’s mostly running around in circles and getting tied in knots but I’m working through it all that’s the best I can say. Yesterday I just felt miserable. But rather than trying to force myself to cheer up I just went with it, let myself feel whatever I felt. I took any irrational thoughts I had with a pinch of salt, went easy on myself and just let myself be. There were times I could barely speak and other times I wanted to talk and cry, so I just rolled with it. I guess this is to be expected, good days and bad days, isn’t that how it goes? It’s helping to just get everything out writing here, so here we go again…

Always look on the bright side of shite...

And so it's back to work, back to normality, life marches on and all that. I need to be back, that's for sure but it's hard when not so long ago I thought my days here were numbered and I was happily planning my escape, but now that's all changed and for the foreseeable future I'm here to stay. That's pretty depressing. I've also had to contend with the memories that are being thrown up at me by being back in the place where things started to go wrong two weeks ago today. 

Things I am grateful for

1. Taters - Going through this the second time round is harder in some ways than the first time, because you can't believe it's happening again; but also it's easier and that is purely because of Taters. The first time it happened I feared I'd never be a mother, that that entire world was being denied to me, I mourned not only the baby but the dream of an entirely different future. This time obviously I already am a mother. And if I'm really unlucky in that baby number two never happens, well, what I have now is pretty bloody wonderful. I'm trying not to think of a second child as completing my family, because if Taters is all I have, then I already have the best thing on earth, so I have nothing to complain about there.

Blah Blah Blah

I don't know where to start so I'll just dive in anywhere. I've had one of those day where I dissolve into tears at the drop of a hat, one minute I'm laughing at my little boy and the next minute my chin is quivering and tears are spilling from my eyes. I didn't expect things to still be so raw, but actually it's more raw now than it ever was. Where did my strength go? 

Who sucked all the joy out of the world?

Bleak... that about sums things up today. Physically things are returning to normal, no bleeding today which surprises me, I was told to expect that for the next two to three weeks. Not that I'm complaining, not about that anyway.

Home truths that will never be spoken

Dear Emma*

Names have been changed to protect the innocent. This may not be the most coherent blog post ever, I'm still steaming...

Earlier this year my husband received an email from yours asking if you'd done something to upset us as you'd not received a birthday present from us this year. Well yes, you had as it happens and I'd actually been trying to gently distance myself from you for quite some time - I say gently because our husbands are friends and I didn't want to damage their 'bromance'. I would have cut and run a long time before that if it was possible.

Welcome to my nightmare

It has been anything but your average day.

I woke up at around 5am with the realisation that I was bleeding, I mean really bleeding. Like something out of a horror film bleeding.

A very sad day

It may be too soon to be writing this, but I need to get it out.

Monday I started spotting, that dreaded tiny bit of old brown blood that strikes terror into your heart. By Monday afternoon it had stopped, so while apprehensive I was hopeful it was something and nothing.