The drama of the low lying placenta

I'm now 21 weeks pregnant with a little bump that I absolutely adore.  The kicks are getting stronger and more frequent and I'm sure I don't need to tell you how wonderful that feels. Every time that little babies moves, wriggles around or kicks, I know we're okay, I don't have to purely rely on my shaky intuition anymore. 

My little genius

Obviously there has been more than pregnancy going on in my small corner of the world. Little Taters has come on the leaps and bounds with his talking in the past few weeks. 

Secret Baby Diaries - The all important 12 weeks!

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

And then there was blood....

Secret Baby Diaries - 10 weeks and 2 days

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

I am enjoying a cup of tea.

Secret Baby Diaries - 10 weeks and 1 day

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

Four days since I went for a private scan and saw that blurry object wriggling around - the one that is apparently my baby.

Secret Baby Diaries - Week 8

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

Is it really only week 8?

The darkness has ever so slightly lifted, although I'm anything but happy or hopeful. Only kind of numb and dark around the edges. I can think a little more clearly though which is an improvement.

Secret Baby Diaries - Week 7

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

I'm at work. I want to go home and go to sleep.

There's far too much going on in my head at the moment. It's late afternoon and it's getting dark outside, and that's when the darkness starts closing in on me inside my head too.

Secret Baby Diaries - Week 6

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries,  I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

Yesterday morning I walked outside and smelled the early autumn air... and it turned my stomach, it smelled like everything smells when you're pregnant and it reminded me of being pregnant, which in turn reminded me of losing Peanut, and that made me depressed. It was like I slipped into a parallel universe at that moment, one in which everything looks exactly the same, but suddenly just feels different, wrong. And since then I haven't stopped worrying.

Secret Baby Diaries - Week 5

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries,  I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...


So here we go again, the fourth time I've been pregnant and so far with only one child to show for it. Right now I don't allow myself to dream about the future, it could be wonderful, or it could be another living nightmare. So I chose not to go there.

Introducing The Secret Baby Diaries

I've been a bad blogger, it has been months since my last confession and now I don't know where to start...

A few days after my last post, after attending the Saying Goodbye service in York, something unusual happened: a tiny bit of bleeding I initially thought must be an early period. But it was weird, it was earlier than it had ever been before and wasn't following the usual pattern. In fact it totally stopped within two to three days.

A little voice at the back of my head was whispering "implantation bleeding." Could it be?