Secret Baby Diaries - 10 weeks and 2 days

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

I am enjoying a cup of tea.


Those words and that realisation scare me.

Why?

Because I've hated tea for the last 4 weeks, even the thought of it made me queasy. And now here I am enjoying a cup of tea.

Are my symptoms disappearing? Does this mean something bad? I keep reading that bit of research about 98% change of things being ok, but then I remember Taters diving fist first into my stomach Monday morning. I try to remind myself about the baby being tucked behind my pelvc bone, protected in a bag of water etc. etc. And let's not forget the fact I felt sick this morning. And it's now only mid-morning, which is my best time of day anyway.

But still, it's hard not to worry.

There's a Facebook friend who has announced she's pregnant at 6 weeks. That's 4 weeks behind me. Being completely honest here, I'm finding myself irritated by her constant and gushing updates, how she's feeling this wonderful sense of peace, like she is so blessed etc. It shouldn't bother me, I'm pregnant too. But it does. Is she crazy announcing it so publicly so soon? Doesn't she know what might happen? But then it probably won't, because everyone else sails through pregnancy.

Yes I know, I'm jealous, I'm jealous of her joy, because I feel robbed of that innocence. At 10 weeks and even after listening to the heartbeat I don't feel confident that everything will be ok.

Of course I wouldn't dream of saying anything remotely negative to her, I wouldn't spoil it for someone else just because my own experience is tainted.