The Calm Before the Storm

With my due date just a few days away this feels very much like the calm before the storm. Two size scans have estimated this baby to be smaller than Taters was and with the placenta also out of the way I'm all set for a natural birth. 

Who knows what will happen when the time actually comes? But I'm as prepared as I can be. I was disappointed to learn that because Taters was born by emergency c-section this birth will be more closely monitored by a consultant and I get the impression that at the first hint of trouble they'll be whisking me in for another section. I'd hoped to have as little intervention as possible this time, but I'm choosing to be positive about this; while the consultant is keeping a close eye on the baby, that's one less thing for me to worry about so I can get on with the business of trying to give birth. I'll just have to make the best of it.

Pregnancy: Week 25. Time to Celebrate

One thing that went through my mind when I lost Peanut was that I was never going to enjoy being pregnant. I had Taters after losing my first, so that time was fraught with anxiety. Then obviously it went wrong again in my third pregnancy. I thought that if I was lucky enough to get pregnant and stay pregnant again, then inevitably my fourth pregnancy would be full of worry and dread also.

So here I am, 25 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I want this to be my last pregnancy, I really don’t want to go through another first trimester ever again in my life, and more so I don’t want to risk ever going through another miscarriage again in my life. I want to consign all that to history.

The drama of the low lying placenta

I'm now 21 weeks pregnant with a little bump that I absolutely adore.  The kicks are getting stronger and more frequent and I'm sure I don't need to tell you how wonderful that feels. Every time that little babies moves, wriggles around or kicks, I know we're okay, I don't have to purely rely on my shaky intuition anymore. 

Secret Baby Diaries - The all important 12 weeks!

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

And then there was blood....

Secret Baby Diaries - 10 weeks and 2 days

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

I am enjoying a cup of tea.

Secret Baby Diaries - 10 weeks and 1 day

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

Four days since I went for a private scan and saw that blurry object wriggling around - the one that is apparently my baby.

Secret Baby Diaries - Week 8

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

Is it really only week 8?

The darkness has ever so slightly lifted, although I'm anything but happy or hopeful. Only kind of numb and dark around the edges. I can think a little more clearly though which is an improvement.

Secret Baby Diaries - Week 7

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

I'm at work. I want to go home and go to sleep.

There's far too much going on in my head at the moment. It's late afternoon and it's getting dark outside, and that's when the darkness starts closing in on me inside my head too.

Secret Baby Diaries - Week 6

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries,  I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...

Yesterday morning I walked outside and smelled the early autumn air... and it turned my stomach, it smelled like everything smells when you're pregnant and it reminded me of being pregnant, which in turn reminded me of losing Peanut, and that made me depressed. It was like I slipped into a parallel universe at that moment, one in which everything looks exactly the same, but suddenly just feels different, wrong. And since then I haven't stopped worrying.

Secret Baby Diaries - Week 5

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries,  I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...


So here we go again, the fourth time I've been pregnant and so far with only one child to show for it. Right now I don't allow myself to dream about the future, it could be wonderful, or it could be another living nightmare. So I chose not to go there.