Am I starting to relax about this? Well, some of the time I feel blissfully happy and content, other times I fret about something going wrong, certainly when I haven't felt any movement for a while I start to feel restless. It's still a roller coaster.
The next milestone is 'viability' at 24-25 weeks when this little baby stands a chance of surviving in the outside world, that's what I'm looking to next. I get gradually more relaxed by degrees at each milestone - the 12 week scan, hearing the heartbeat at 15-16 weeks, the 20 week scan, viability...
So I've now made it passed the 20 week scan, but it wasn't as plain sailing as I'd hoped. I was a nervous wreck the week before. I'd been feeling the baby move and that reassured me a little, but I was still paranoid they'd find something wrong, something so bad my world would be destroyed. I was kept busy as this week coincided with Taters first week at nursery (more about that another day) but I was anxious, really, really anxious.
The scan itself was excruciating. The sonographer asked if we wanted to watch as she did the scan, and since I'd been too terrified to look with Taters I said yes this time. In retrospect I shouldn't have. I didn't know what I was looking at and whenever she took her time over something I felt my panic rising thinking she'd found something wrong. I kept looking from her face to the screen, trying to figure her out, but she had a perfect mask of calm throughout.
It didn't help that the little tinker of a baby wouldn't behave and was making the scan very tricky for the sonographer. The scan just went on and on and throughout I was braced to hear something bad "I just need to get someone to look at this..." or "I'm sorry but..." My nerves were in absolute tatters. In fact she didn't manage to finish the scan and we have to go back in two weeks for her to check out the bottom third of the spine, but I'm seeing that as a bonus scan and another chance to see the baby.
As for the baby, it appears so far so good. She didn't find anything wrong and everything looks to be as it should be. She reminded me scans don't show everything, which I know anyway, I'm not going to worry about the unforeseeable - I worry enough as it is.
The other bit of good news was that there was no sign of the ovarian cyst they'd spotted at earlier scans - one less thing to be concerned about. But the not so great news was that I have a low lying placenta. It seems it is lying over my cervix which could well mean another c-section as obviously that's blocking the baby's way out!
For a while I was dogged by thoughts of "Here we go again, your body just can't seem to get this pregnancy malarkey right... unnatural mother... bad mother.... better scrap ideas of breastfeeding again cos you're crap at this" Bloody inner demons! My dream of the perfect pregnancy and everything going right this time was in shreds, or so it felt then. I think I was counting on everything running perfectly this time to heal some of the hangovers from Taters pregnancy, yes I can now see how unrealistic that was now.
I felt really panicky when we got home, and for the next few days too. Not especially about the c-section, it might not be my preferred option but I've already lost two babies, I just want this one in my arms, alive and healthy, I don't really care what method the baby arrives by. No, I was more scared by the talk of bleeding, by the hospital leaflet that said I may be kept in hospital from 34 weeks pregnant. In short I was terrified this meant something bad was going to happen to the baby.
A midwife came to talk to us afterwards and she was very reassuring. I asked over and over if this was something I needed to worry about, and she repeatedly said, no, it was just one of those things. If it did cause any problems, it would likely be in the later stages of pregnancy when it would be safe for the baby to be born anyway. And yes there is a risk of heavy bleeding, but she'd never actually seen this happen. So be vigilant for bleeding and report any to the midwife if it does happen, but don't worry about it. She didn't tell me I needed to take it easy or avoid sex or any of the other things you hear associated with low lying placentas. But of course I now have the urge to bubble wrap myself until June and I had a little rant at my dad yesterday for driving fast down a bumpy country lane!
One thing she did say though which was a little odd, was not to get my hopes up for it moving. In most cases low lying placentas do grow away from the cervix later in pregnancy, but due to the position of mine this wasn't very likely. Everything I've read since seems to contradict this. But I suppose she knows my specific case and it's likely she just didn't want to raise my expectations. I don't know. I plan to find out more at that next scan and then talk it through with my regular midwife.
I am feeling a lot more rational about it now. Although I am also taking things easier - which is probably unnecessary, but I don't care, I'm terrified at the thought of seeing blood. If taking it easier eases only my nerves, then it's worth it.
As for follow up care, I've also got another scan booked in at 30 weeks to check out the position of the placenta and discuss what to do next. And I certainly don't mind the extra checks and opportunities to look in on the baby. That is one good thing to have come out of this.
And really, as far as pregnancy complications go, it isn't all that bad. I'm starting to get my equilibrium back again, until the next storm at least anyway.
And by the way, it appears this little baby is a girl. As far as they can tell anyway. I might asked them to check again at the scan in two weeks before I start planning the nursery but here is the little probably-lady...
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