Secret Baby Diaries - Week 5

Over the next few days I'm going to be posting my Secret Baby Diaries,  I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and this is a record of the journey so far. I lost my last baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant back in March, so this isn't your usual gushing, dreamy account of being pregnant, it's actually been pretty dark at times. These are notes from my personal diary written in the last few months...


So here we go again, the fourth time I've been pregnant and so far with only one child to show for it. Right now I don't allow myself to dream about the future, it could be wonderful, or it could be another living nightmare. So I chose not to go there.



I'm living in the now - and right now I absolutely love and adore that tiny bundle of cells growing inside of me. I don't know how far our journey will take us, but that spark of love has been ignited and that at least is forever.

I do hope this little one joins us on the outside, that I get to see him or her grow up, I want that to the very core of my soul. But I don't know if that will happen. I do know however that I will not ignore this little life until I know whether or not they will make it. I will love and celebrate this little light as long as it lasts. That is one way this pregnancy is different from any other.

I'm weirdly calm about it right now, sure there are all the disconcerting abdominal pains that occasionally get strong enough to scare me. So far the symptoms have been mild though, I'm more tired than usual, I think, maybe a bit more hungry and occasionally nauseous. It's hard to tell. I'm watching my body so closely maybe it's all in my head. I'm a bit scatter brained, but then this is a big deal right?

What will be will be. I know what I want it to be, but it's ultimately out of my hands.