Things I am grateful for

1. Taters - Going through this the second time round is harder in some ways than the first time, because you can't believe it's happening again; but also it's easier and that is purely because of Taters. The first time it happened I feared I'd never be a mother, that that entire world was being denied to me, I mourned not only the baby but the dream of an entirely different future. This time obviously I already am a mother. And if I'm really unlucky in that baby number two never happens, well, what I have now is pretty bloody wonderful. I'm trying not to think of a second child as completing my family, because if Taters is all I have, then I already have the best thing on earth, so I have nothing to complain about there.

2. My mum / friends - I can't say how much it meant to me when my mum asked to see the scan picture of Peanut. To have someone acknowledge her/his existence and cry, not just for me, but for Peanut, for her grandchild, that meant so much. In the same vein two of my friends who lit a candle for Peanut - I can't express how much that moved me. Both of these things helped enormously and I will never forget that. 

3. Two unconnected friends contacted me last week asking if I was okay, both had found themselves thinking of me and thought they ought to contact me. One of them even started the message with: "Thought I'd send you a hug, you okay?" - this is someone who I was friends with throughout school but lost contact with for many years until Facebook came into existence. Even now we only message each other once in a while so for her to suddenly contact me because "I had a feeling things weren't right and meant to contact you," was quite remarkable - and it wasn't in response to a status update either, it really was out of the blue. The other was less surprising because the friend in question is the loveliest witch you could ever wish to meet and for her to sense something is wrong really doesn't surprise me. But both incidences were a timely reminder that there is more to life than we understand, I needed that to stop my beliefs crumbling down around me.

4. I didn't mean to leave him until number 4, but my husband - for letting me talk and talk as much as I needed, and cry, for always understanding and for trying his best even when he hasn't got a clue what he can do to help.  Need I say more? This is his pain too.

5. Bad events make you see the good in people, you see how much people care, you experience the warmth of human kindness. You realise how special the friendships and relationships you have are. 

I'm sure there's more but for now, those are the things that really leap out at me.