Who sucked all the joy out of the world?

Bleak... that about sums things up today. Physically things are returning to normal, no bleeding today which surprises me, I was told to expect that for the next two to three weeks. Not that I'm complaining, not about that anyway.



Mentally, well no, this has been one of the blackest days yet. I guess that's just part of coming to terms with things. My boss has told me to take this week off and I've been cleaning the house top to bottom, giving away bags of clothes and bits and pieces to charity, sorting out cupboards and drawers. I've thrown away the maternity pack and the 'Congratulations' letter from the doctor; I've booked my toddlers first speech therapy appointment; I've filed away the scan photo of Peanut and cleaned the house like there's no tomorrow. 

I know exactly why I'm doing it, I'm trying to take back control of my life. It's not working, well, not today anyway. I don't feel like I'm getting back on top of anything. Truth be told all I want to do is drink tea and stare at the wall.

Last week I felt surprisingly strong, defiant was the word I'd use. This week, well, now that the anger towards my ex-friend has lifted (getting it all out really helped yesterday, I've even calmed down enough to regain a sense of sympathy towards her) well I'm left feeling empty and sad. I haven't left the house yet this week, my toddler has been with his dad and grandma in the day to give me some time to myself, but I'm finding myself fretting over everything, it's like I'm waiting for the next disaster to happen. And no matter how much I clean, the house doesn't feel any cleaner, I just find more and more things to do and the things I can't reach just taunt me. Like I want to paint the bathroom, but I don't have time, and the study is a tip - but it's full of my husbands things and throwing out my belongings is one thing...

I know I'll be okay, I know this is just part of the process and I don't plan to wallow in misery. I'm making myself eat really healthily, I'm sorting the house out and getting chores done that have gone untouched for ages... and basically when my heart and mind decide to rejoin the world, well, that's great... we won't have to tackle any of this then, we'll have a head start.