The Working Mother's Dilemma

Then

Scratching around to find work to do when you know management are looking to make cuts, well, it’s not the ideal situation to find yourself in. And I’ve been there for the last year. I’ve tried hard to make myself useful and find a way to make a difference, while at the same time trying not to make it too obvious I had very little to do, and it’s been so tricky. I’ve run the gauntlet of emotions, fear of being made redundant, frustration at finding myself unable to make an impact, anger at being ignored, feeling deceitful about pretending to look busy, then paranoid people were pointing the finger and trying to catch me out. It made me lose self respect and turn on myself, blaming myself for not being dynamic enough and not rising to the challenge. It's been time to go for a long time, but finding a decently paid part time job is no easy feat right now and so I've been plugging away, taking on whatever project I could, volunteering for everything going and trying to look busy when I'm not.

And it’s been against this back drop I’ve been pressing ahead with the baby plans. So far with no joy I should add. But I really want Taters to have a sibling who is reasonably close to him in age and I’m 37 next so time isn’t on my side any more. I probably will lose this job, but I'd like to get as far along with the baby plan as possible and then deal with the consequences, we’d just have to find a way to make it work. It all feels a little kamikaze but if I wait for everything to be perfect, there most definitely will not be another child.

Now

And now life has thrown me a little curve ball, or rather, at work I’ve been thrown a lifeline. We’ve secured funding for another year (which is something of a miracle - beyond that though there will be more redundancies) and I’ve been reshuffled into a new team and have been given new responsibilities. All of a sudden I’m finding myself appreciated again, I’m really busy, I’ve got projects to get my teeth into and so far everything I’ve done has gone down a storm. My new boss seems to be 100% behind me and is determined to show the world what I’m capable of. And I’m really, really enjoying it.

Which leaves me feeling guilty that I’m trying for a baby. I feel like I’m throwing an opportunity and the belief my boss is currently showing in me back in their faces. Argh! Because although part of me thinks this is the perfect job for me and I should be grasping it with both hands and showing them what I’m capable of, the rest of me, the bigger part of me, really, really wants a baby.

Ultimately I don’t think I can scrap the baby plan for a job that probably has no future anyway. I think looking back in years to come that would be something I really regret. And let’s face it, my card is most likely already marked. They did without me doing this job before, so they obviously don’t really need me now, it’s more of a nice to have.

On the other side of the coin, I will give this new role my all – because who knows whether the baby plan will come off or not. We’ve been trying for a few months now with no joy and I’m trying my best to not start feeling desperate about it.

Business as usual then I suppose, I will do all I can do in the here and now, and let the future take care of itself - wow doesn't that sound rational?