It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...

I’ve been finding myself obsessing over things lately; having another baby, moving houses. I can’t seem to stay in the moment, I’ve got myself convinced that if I only had this, this and that everything then life would be grand. Except it would it? Really?

The other morning I woke from one of those intense dreams that leaves you evaluating your entire life through the hazy gauze of sleep. I dreamed I was at some strange reunion that encompassed school, college, university and various workplaces, basically everyone I had ever known. And I was determined to show them how great I was, how great I’d made my life. Half asleep I found myself mulling it over and it gave me a new perspective on life that I can’t access normally.

Certain periods of my life really stood out, these were the times I was happiest, the most fulfilled. Firstly my early twenties and then my early thirties. But what was it I had then that made me feel so fulfilled? What was the magic ingredient?

At both times I was growing as a person, meeting new people, learning new things, having new adventures, I was writing and I had a strong sense of self. I had the metal scene in my early twenties, university, music festivals and shared houses. Everything was so new and fantastic.

I’m sure I did things in my late twenties but nothing stands out so much, my uni friends were living in other parts of the country, my favourite night club had become a sodding jobcentre. I was cast adrift. I feel like I wasted my late twenties trying to cling on to my early twenties when I should have been moving on.

By my early thirties I had the burlesque scene, I was writing again and being creative in general, uni friends had drifted back to Sheffield and my friendship circle was strong. We had amazing parties, great weekends away (yurts, Viking festivals), I saw a little more of the world, I did yoga, I went to meditation classes. I feel like I made the most of every day and every moment. The world was in full blown colour again. A lot of bad things happened too, there was plenty of dark moments and stress. But I really felt alive. I lived.

Mid thirties are dominated by motherhood, the next chapter of the journey and an incredible one and far from the easiest. But that’s fine, the tough times give your life story some texture and no life story is complete without them. It has also been amazing, terrifying, exhausting, miraculous. And I genuinely wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now.

But there’s this nagging sensation at the back of my head, I don’t feel like I’m fulfilling the potential of my current situation, I’m not making the best of it, I feel like there is so much more I could be doing. Something is missing. But it’s not something that a new house or a new baby will resolve (although of course both would be wonderful)

But that’s where that new found perspective is helpful, because when I look back to my early twenties and early thirties I can identify the common elements that for me, appear to equal fulfilment in life. It’s friends, it’s adventures, and it’s being creative.

Since becoming a mum I don't get to see my closest friends half as much, it isn't just me, everyone's lives seem suddenly busier and pulling us all in different directions. I think we take it for granted that our friends will always be our friends, but if we never see them then how much longer can we go on calling them friends? I remember being thrilled by Facebook and Twitter at one time, I thought it would help me keep in touch with people better, make me feel more connected to people. But more and more often I simply read updates, make a little comment perhaps, look at photos, but never really catch up with people. The connection is shallow and to some extent an illusion. It can’t replace getting together and spending time together, doing things, creating memories. It’s fine for keep the lines of communication open, but that’s all. 

I know I write on here because I don't often get to really talk to people the same way anymore. And if I'm looking for what is missing in my life, then I need look no further than that. Throw in some creative projects when the little 'un is asleep and then life really will be grand!

I don’t need a new house or a baby to complete me or make my life perfect (again, doesn't mean I've changed my mind on either). Everything I need is actually around me, I just have to put a little effort in to rediscover it.