I’d hoped by some sheer stroke of good luck I’d get pregnant
this month, without putting in much effort, without really thinking about it,
it could have crept in under the radar and I might even have been able to
ignore it for a few weeks – because let’s face it, if I do get pregnant again
it’s going to be scary. To be able to ignore it for as many weeks as possible
would be a blessing.
I’m surprised actually at how down this has made me feel.
Firstly there’s finding blood when I go to the toilet, even though I’m not
pregnant it brings back memories and it always strikes a little fresh panic into
my heart.
Secondly there’s the disappointment, naturally, yeah I just want to
be pregnant again, I want to be back on that train heading towards 2nd
time motherhood – I should have never been kicked off it in the first place!
Thirdly. Well. This is where I am now isn’t it. So it’s ok.
There’s another month now for the fertility diet to work its magic – the
website recommends three months to get your body up to strength but I couldn’t
wait that long (I know, I know) It’s another month to improve my health even
further. And it brings us closer to the summer baby dream – which I would love
but I’m not prepared to wait that long in reality. I want an ‘as soon as
possible baby’... But see, it’s ok, really it is.
I think I have to start counting days though, as in counting
how long my cycles are and calculating when that fertile window is. I wasn’t
going to do it, if I didn’t know when I was due on I could bury my head in the
sand for a while until it became obvious one way or another. But I really,
really want to get pregnant and a little counting can help with that.
Let’s face it, the only way to avoid the fear is to not even
try and get pregnant, and that’s not an option. I’d just be replacing fear with
a sense of regret.
Right then, it’s off to the Red Tent for me for a few days!
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