The Big Birthing Question

Quick update: At my 20 week scan I was told I had a low lying placenta and if it didn’t move, then I had no choice but to have another c-section. After having a bit of a panic about bleeding half to death, my baby being born early etc, I calmed down and did the only thing you really can do in such situations – I just got on with things.

Last week I went back to the hospital, 30 weeks pregnant, to check on the progress of the placenta, and guess what? It has now moved completely out of the way and I’ve got the all-clear to go for a natural birth. Well, I say the all-clear but I still have a growth scan at 35 weeks to see how big this baby is getting, if it’s anything like Taters (who was 10 pounds 8 at birth) then the option of a c-section is open to me again.

So now the possibility of a natural birth is on the cards I have a lot of thinking to do. I have to admit that although I would really love to have a natural birth, I have a lot of hang ups left over from Taters birth that have made me doubt myself, made me wonder if I can actually do it.

Firstly, from the moment I went into labour with Taters it was nothing like I’d come to expect; the contractions never built up, starting mild then getting strong and closer together. No, they hit me like a train, intense and back to back right from the off.  I couldn’t cope with it. When I arrived at hospital I found I was only 2cm dilated so I was faced with hours and hours of this. I knew to expect back to back contractions towards the end, but it kicked off that way and I still don’t understand why that happened? And if it happened that way again I don’t know if I could cope with that level of pain.

It’s partly the reason I opted for an epidural. But mostly that was because Tater’s heart rate kept dropping throughout the whole ordeal, meaning I found myself on the consultant lead ward, flat on my back being monitored closely.  I couldn’t move around, get off the bed, I couldn’t do anything to make myself more comfortable or alleviate the pain – so I begged for an epidural and then spent the next few hours being tortured by the sound of his heart beat falling and recovering, falling lower and recovering, and so on as the midwives turned me and tipped me to see whether that helped my little baby, as consultants came in and took blood samples from his scalp to check he wasn’t being starved of oxygen. All the while they wanted me to have a natural birth and had worked out that I was dilating at approximately a centimetre an hour and therefore would be allowed to push at around dinner time. Like it was that simple! Where would I muster up the courage and strength to push from? Anyway by 8cm they ended up rushing me in for an emergency c-section instead so it never happened that way.

I felt like I had no say and no control over his birth whatsoever, and I was so scared he was going to die I just did as I was told. Naturally. That was the way it had to be, I accept that.

By the time Tater’s was born, I’d lost a litre and a half of blood in the operation, and I’d spent 13 hours in labour. I felt so ill and traumatised I could barely look at him. I cried with joy when I heard his first cries, but then I just wanted my husband to look after him while I slept. I didn’t want much to do with him to be honest, I wanted to know he was ok and looked after, but please then leave me alone. That’s not how it should be.

After weighing him the consultant who delivered him smiled kindly and said, “Well, he probably would have got stuck anyway…” and those are the words I’m hearing in my head the most now. Is it worth trying for a natural birth this time if I’m just too small or something and the baby will get stuck. I’ve lost two babies to miscarriage in the last few years, I don’t want to take any risks whatsoever with this one. So should I just opt for a c-section anyway? Because I do know an elective one isn’t anything near as bad as an emergency. Maybe that would be the best thing to do?

I tried to talk to my midwife about it last week but actually that has set me about even more. Firstly she said short of x-raying my pelvis there’s no way of knowing whether the baby will fit – which has done nothing to alleviate my concerns about the baby getting stuck, she then went onto say that I needn’t worry because if I did go for a natural birth they’d keep a closer eye on me this time anyway. I’d be automatically on the consultant led wing and the hospital are very strict on how long they’d allow me to continue before going for a c-section anyway.

This hasn’t helped one bit. I suddenly had visions of being made to lay on my back strapped up to the monitors again, with no say and no control over this birth either. I really don’t want that. I’d presumed that so long as the baby’s heart rate was ok and everything was progressing normally, I’d be on the midwife led wing – which is quite nice, the rooms are like little hotel rooms with adjustable lighting, a birthing pool in one, baths in the others, facilities for playing your own music etc. Basically much more conducive to the active, natural birth I had hoped to experience.

I really don’t want to be on the consultant led wing which is brightly lit, very obviously in a hospital with monitors constantly bleeping etc and people coming and going all the time. It’s just not how I’d like the birth to be.

And being told I’ll only be able to try for so long just feels like a pressure to perform that I don’t need. I’m really uneasy about it. I think if I have no say in anything then I’d actually rather have a c-section.

Maybe it won’t be like that, I need to start asking a lot more questions because I could be worrying unnecessarily. I’ve got an appointment with the consultant after the scan at 35 weeks, and I’ll see my midwife again before then, so I’m going to be asking masses of questions about the last birth, and this birth, before I make my mind up. I don’t feel informed enough to make that decision just yet.