Gathering evidence

I stand on the sidelines of the human race, more of an observer than a participant. Sometimes I liken myself to an alien, or a time traveller, a fish out of water, someone who doesn’t really belong here… I’ve always felt that way.

The bottom line is this: human interaction perplexes me.

So I watch other people closely, trying to observe social interaction and how others do it. I have taken to heart every comment, every magazine, web or newspaper article on what people like in other people, what’s the done thing etc and I’ve tried to adhere to every single piece of conflicting information I ever came across. It drives me crazy in more ways than one.

I do this on autopilot. I don’t admit even to myself that I’m doing it, that I can’t stop myself doing it. It’s just something I’ve always done. When Big Brother originally started I was secretly excited at the prospect of being able to observe people meeting for the first time. I hoped it would help me understand how people made friends, how “normal” people behaved.

I thought I was just “shy,” “introverted” and “a people pleaser” I disliked all these aspects of myself so I didn’t analyse it for too long. But now I’m wondering if the term “autistic” is actually more fitting? When I’ve read about autistic people learning to “pass”, I’ve started to wonder about my own behaviour. Is it the same thing I’ve been doing all along?

And I “pass” pretty well these days. I feel a little eccentric, a little different from most people, but I’ve learned the rules and I can play the role society expects of me pretty well.

But when I meet new people I start to come unstuck. I’m never quite sure what of myself is ok to share, just how much information is too much information?  Am I talking too much about myself and not showing enough interest in the other person? Am I asking too many questions, am I making them feel interrogated? I analyse everything I’ve said and done and generally beat myself up about it. Conversations echo about in my head long after they’re over.

It makes new people exhausting. I love being with old friends, but colleagues, neighbours or aquaintances can throw me off sometimes. I know how I’m supposed to be, I know how I want to be, but I often feel like I fall short, don’t quite pull it off. The person I am inside... faced with other people she hides away like a timid mouse and I can’t get her to show herself. Instead I’m thrown into acting this persona who is based on me, trying to remember the right things to say and do, trying to be acceptable and fit in, not say anything stupid that people might laugh at, or offensive that might make them dislike me. I over think things so much I render myself mute sometimes.

It’s why I can’t be around people all the time. I need time alone so I can breathe again. So I can be me. It’s tiring keeping up the effort of saying and doing the right thing, the done thing. I try not to be like that, but I can’t seem to stop myself doing it, it’s like I can’t remember my own mind, my own opinions, my feelings or thoughts in these moments.

I don’t spend too much time thinking about these things, I never liked admitting to it, I pretend even to myself that I’m someone I’m not, well, not quite anyway. But putting that all down in black and white, owning up to it, well I’m totally aware of how that reads. It reads like the blogs I’ve read by women with ASD.

Oh….