Parenting the autism way –tackling misconceptions and the Facebook reality

Since becoming a mother I haven’t found myself with a big circle of mummy friends like you’re “suppose to” have. I’ve seen them in parks, gathered together in their little tribes, the children playing together happily and the mummies relaxing and chatting and bonding. I’ve seen the pictures on Facebook too; they have barbeques and all manner of lovely stuff. And yes, hands up, I get jealous. I feel like I failed because I don’t have that, failed me, more importantly failed my kids by not providing them with little friends of their own.

I feel gutted when it’s birthday time and I’m scratching away trying to rustle up a few little friends to attend a party for them, seeing the parties other parents are throwing for their children rubbed in my face on yes, Facebook. I hate, hate, hate birthdays. Right there, that’s the crux of the whole thing.

I’m not sure where I went wrong. It seems to just happen to other mums effortlessly, the other mummy friends thing.  And I have put myself out there since becoming a mum, at baby groups, toddler groups etc. I’m trying. But I’m struggling to covert mummy acquaintances into mummy friends. I’m not that horrible am I? No, I know I’m not. Do I smell? No more than other mummys…

I have lovely friends –genuinely the best, but none have children for my kids to play with and just lately it’s scared me that they seem to be drifting apart too. When my husband’s best friend had a baby at the same time as us, I thought we were set up for life. Unfortunately we clearly aren’t the type of people his partner wants to associate with and they pretty much shunned us and, rather hurtfully, found other parents to do the BBQ and park thing with. Well, fuck them.

Just a thought, it really seems to mean a lot to me to be able to put pictures on Facebook of me with a big group of people, and my children playing with a big group of children as an extension of that. Thereby it seems to be really important to me to be seen to be popular. I seem to think that success in life is measured by how many people come to your birthday party. Why? Is this a case of caring too much about what other people think? (don’t want to be seen as billy-no-mates, want everyone to love me, take that school bullies, look how much I changed!) Or is it that I really, really want these things? In other words do I want them because society tells me I want them (magazines, television and now social media) or do I want them because I actually, genuinely want them? And how stupid is it to have issues with your children’s popularity? WTF?

And why do I seem to want these things when I’m deeply uncomfortable in large groups, I barely speak. I haven’t got a clue what to say to people. We’ve invited friends around for BBQs and parties numerous times and I usually end up feeling ill with stress and worry, despite really, really wanting to enjoy myself. At other people’s parties I’m practically mute, hiding behind my husband or wandering off down the garden with my son who’s as uncomfortable in these situations as I am. I don’t thrive in those situations.

It appears that I’m in love with the idea lots of friends and popularity but not the reality of it.

Okay, okay, just going back a little to where I went “wrong” I feel like I need to understand why I haven’t magic-ed up this wonderful group of mummy friends first and foremost, let’s get to the root of this.

I do know other mums; I talk to them at playgroups (stressful! Argh, what to share, what not to share, when to share, am I talking about myself too much? I need to ask them about themselves without somehow sounding like I’m interrogating them…) Basically, from the word go I feel really uncomfortable around other people. Then I find the effort of maintaining fledgling new friendships worrisome and exhausting –  what if they don’t really want to know me, maybe I shouldn’t message them, maybe they think I’m pestering them… (yep, need to work on my inner dialogue on that one). And just the meeting up on numerous occassions, or interact on numerous occassions to build up a friendship means making myself uncomfortable over and over – it burns me out.

And that’s just the autistic mummy side of the issues. Try doing all that with an autistic son in tow, one who equally doesn’t want to be around people he doesn’t know, who won’t let you sit down and talk to other mums at playgroups or the school gates because it’s too much for him and he just wants to drag you away. Who doesn’t want to play nice with the other kids at the park and who’ll go bat shit crazy if another child wants to play with one of his toys so you daren’t have people around to the house.

It just doesn’t work does it?

But is it really that important to become popular? Am I pursuing this needlessly and heaping a whole lot of stress on us both for nothing?

If I don’t like being in large groups then surely I should just decide it’s ok not to be in large groups. Give myself permission to ditch the Facebook image of perfect life and allow myself to do things in a way that genuinely makes me happy, and comfortable and thrive? Tell myself it’s ok to have a few close friends than a group of friends so large how you ever find the time to be a good friend to those people I don’t know… That’s ok isn’t it?

Yes it’s ok for me to just have a few good friends, I reckon I can go with that, but then what of socialising my children? Are they missing out if I do that? It might make my son’s life easier, but in the long run will it make him happier or am I not helping him past this supposed disability? And what of my daughter, what if she is more neurotypical?

Answers next time in “Oh my god my head is going to explode!”