And nothing has actually changed, I might even feel that way again tomorrow, but I'm ending the day feeling depleted and reminded that sometimes autism can be a bitch and make life pretty bloody stressful.
It began when I learned Sam had had an up and down morning in school, he'd been eating dinner in the dinner hall when the telephone rang out. His beloved Mrs Royles was at the other end of the room and he ran up to her, tears streaming down his face, scared out of his wits. That worries me that he's not going to want to go into the dining room now, just as we're looking at stepping him up to full days. There haven't been any major problems with him at school so far, but I'm getting worried our luck may be running out.. he'd also been rehearsing the Christmas song and refused to stand with the other children, which doesn't bode well for next week when they're supposed to be performing for the parents.
I know the chances of him staying up on stage are pretty slim and I will try hard not to feel disappointed if he doesn't, and I want to give him the chance to try, you never know... I just hope there's no huge blow up in front of all the other parents.
So yes, we left school with him already a little on edge and I really should have cancelled our plans to get his hair cut that afternoon, oh boy I should have. But we'd put in preparatory work already, taking martha to have her hair cut a week before and letting Sam just watch and have a stress free visit to the hairdressers, and he'd been saying all week he was having his hair trimmed... So I pressed ahead even though I knew he wasn't in his best frame of mind.
Big mistake.
It ended with me almost trying to hold him down as he writhed around on the floor screaming. All the while an old couple tutted, called him a big girls blouse and accused us of being too soft on him. It was stressful enough without that, without it feeling humiliating and infuriating too. Yeh, the haircut got abandoned part way through, I couldn't put him through it, it felt wrong, totally wrong, like I was subjecting him to cruelty. It was heartbreaking in all honesty.
Don't even get me started on that old couple. It hurts. And it hurts knowing plenty of people, even friends and family, probably think the same. I always avoid looking at people when we're in that situation because I can't bare to see judgement in people's eyes.
We've had more dramas back at home too, including tears before bedtime so intense I was left in tears too. He even sobbed that he didn't want Martha to be his sister anymore which really made me sad, especially since she hadn't done anything.
It's just been a stressful day and his upset has been so intense I think we may feel the effects for some time to come. That worries me. I'm scared of going backwards, things have been going so well. I've actually dared to believe we can still be a happy little family.
Tomorrow we've been invited to Elizabeth's birthday party, as in Darren and Melanie's little girl who is also in Sam's class. I admit I'm finding it hard seeing her grow up, they were born 10 weeks apart and yet she seems years older than him now. I get a bit resentlful sometimes...
I want Sam to go, it's important for him to get as much social experience as possible, but I'm scared. I'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment and like I'm teetering on the edge of my own meltdown. I'm not on my best frame of mind either.
And if today does have lasting effects on Sam too then I'm worried we're going to have a showdown in front of classmates and in front of Mr and Mrs Perfect Parents ( I've never quite forgiven the "oh give him an hour with us and we'll get him talking" comment back when he was non verbal....) It's always nerve wracking taking him somewhere new, but most times stretching him does him a lot of good too. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and you can't tell which way it will go.
So I need to be strong enough tomorrow to deal with any outcome. It's just that it's on the other side of town and we still don't have a car to use as a getaway vehicle if it goes tits up.
I don't know if I'm up to this challenge. I feel really weak right now.
I guess I will see how he is tomorrow, if he's fractious then it's probably not worth risking... But then I feel guilty that I'm not helping him gain social skills enough.
We've been invited around on a play date at someone's house over Christmas too and I'm feeling really anxious about my chances of getting him there and what will happen...
I'm just finding it hard today. I think I need just a little time out to get my head straight again so I can be my best for helping him. It's so hard to do that though to be honest, both Sam and Martha are Velcro kids and I can't even take a bath on my own without martha screaming the house down. And then Christmas is coming up and there's so much to do and it's all so busy and....
I'm not doing too well today.
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