Trying and failing to get a grip

It’s that mid-point time of the month again and the ovulation testing kit is flashing its smiley face at me and telling me it’s time.

I’m not ready. I’ve been trying to let go of Peanut and extricate myself from the whole obsession that has surrounded trying to conceive. Calm things down a bit. And the only way I can think of to do this is to let go of the whole baby dream, then sort of reintroduce it but at a more rational level. And if it doesn’t happen, well I’d be more prepared for that too. Maybe.

But I’m not quite there yet.

I’ve been trying to entertain the idea of just having one child and leaving it at that, trying to make myself see that one child is ok, I’m lucky I have one and life would be easier with just the one. Two children will be hard, hard work – remember the sleepless nights? Remember the endless breast feeding? Trying to time your day around the naps? Can I get into town and back before the next meltdown? Walking around the neighbourhood for hours at a time because that was the only way Taters would nap….  And now imagine that with a toddler in tow? Just imagine! Is it even possible? I’m not sure it is.

Sometimes I feel the need to take it to its extreme to break the dream and I’ve been doing ok at this, but I probably needed a few more weeks of it before this time of the month came around again, then we could physically try but it would be more, well, let’s give it a go and see what happens? You know, do the deed and then forget all about it.

But this has come around too soon and the madness is building again. I’m not as chilled out about it as I want to be. Should there be a baby conceived this month I already know roughly when it would be due, I’ve already started thinking about the nursery and I think it will probably be a boy...  This is exactly the kind of madness I want to get away from! Maybe I should have waited another month to start trying again, taken a break, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that, I guess I’m not quite ready to let go. Ah well, maybe another knock back in a fortnight will do the trick.