An email was sent around
at work this morning entitled “News of another baby”.
Ouch, that hurt.
More than I thought it would. I was on the brink of releasing a similar
statement just three months ago. But now it’s someone else who’s pregnant. Not
that she doesn’t deserve to be. Not that I’m not happy for her. I am. I’m just
also sad for me too. I would have been about 22 weeks pregnant by
now but instead I'm caught up in the rather crap set
up of trying to get pregnant again while feeling terrified of being pregnant
because I can’t seem to imagine it ending happily.
And if that was a great way to start the day, it ended on a worse note. As I was leaving two of the cleaners (who are really lovely ladies, it's not their fault) approached me smiling knowingly to each other before asking me if I was pregnant. After stammering away that no, I wasn't, just my stomach muscles have never been the same since carrying a 10 pounder, and hey, I wish I was pregnant, but no, I'm not, I'm definitely not, if only... AWKWARD... I needed to go to the toilets for a little cry before I could head outside for the bus.
And if that was a great way to start the day, it ended on a worse note. As I was leaving two of the cleaners (who are really lovely ladies, it's not their fault) approached me smiling knowingly to each other before asking me if I was pregnant. After stammering away that no, I wasn't, just my stomach muscles have never been the same since carrying a 10 pounder, and hey, I wish I was pregnant, but no, I'm not, I'm definitely not, if only... AWKWARD... I needed to go to the toilets for a little cry before I could head outside for the bus.
If all
this makes me sound unhappy right now, really I’m not, it’s just that email has
stirred up a few feelings. I guess that’s going to happen from time to
time.
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